This Momentary Marriage - Week 4

Notes from this week's study of chapters 6 & 7 on Headship in This Momentary Marriage:

• Chapter 6: Lionhearted and Lamblike—The Christian Husband as Head: Foundations of Headship
  • Scripture – Ephesians 5:21-33
  • Questions
    • What does the Bible mean when it says that the husband is the head of the wife?
    • How does marriage being a picture of Christ and the Church speak to the roles of a husband and wife?
  • Notes & Quotes
    • Dietrich Bonhoeffer: “The dignity that is here ascribed to the man lies, not in any capacities or qualities of his work but in the office conferred on him by his marriage. The wife should see her husband clothed in this dignity. But for him it is supreme responsibility.” (quoted on p. 72)
    • Similar to respecting the office of the President; you don't have to respect the person in order to respect the position, authority, and leadership of the office
    • Christ is both Lion and Lamb (Revelation 5:5-6), “strong and meek, tough and tender, aggressive and responsive, bold and brokenhearted. He sets the pattern for manhood.” (p. 73-74)
    • What does it mean for a married man to be the head of his wife and his home?
      • We need to know this for two reasons:
        • 1) “We need to know what the Bible means by this statement so that we can exult in it and obey.” (p. 74)
        • 2) To recover Biblical manhood and restore Christ-exalting family structure – to restore/repair/prevent broken families & a world marred by them
    • Review: “staying married is not mainly about staying in love, but about keeping covenant.” (p. 74)
    • “Keeping first things first makes second things better.” (p. 74) – staying in love is the overflow of covenant-keeping in marriage
    • Headship and submission are built on the foundation of the gospel of grace
    • Why is the one-flesh union spoken of in Genesis 2:24 a mystery?
      • Mystery – not that it can't be understood, but it's a hidden purpose of God that is now revealed to us
      • The meaning of marriage has been hinted at, but now the shadows have been illuminated to see that it refers to Christ and the Church
      • “The marriage union is a mystery, he says, because its deepest meaning has been concealed by God during the Old Testament history but is now being openly revealed by the apostle, namely, that marriage is an image of Christ and the church.” (p. 75)
    • As Christ and the Church are one body, the husband and wife are one flesh
    • What the husband does for the wife, he ultimately does for himself – what's good for her is good for him
    • “When the husband cherishes and nourishes his wife, he cherishes and nourishes himself; and when Christ cherishes and nourishes the church, he cherishes and nourishes himself.” (p. 76)
    • Geoffrey Bromiley: “As God made man in His own image, so He made earthly marriage in the image of His own eternal marriage with His people.” (quoted on p. 76)
    • One part of the mystery is that husband and wife have distinct roles
    • Matthew Henry on Genesis 2:22-24: “the woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved.” (Genesis to Deuteronomy, Matthew Henry's Commentary Vol. 1 (Peabody: Hendrickson Publishers, 2006), 16)
    • What is an egalitarian? One who believes in complete equality between men & women – no distinction of roles, reject the idea of male leadership in the home
    • Ephesians 5:21 – all of us as believers in Christ are called to humble ourselves and submit to each other, serving one another in love – this includes husbands and wives, who are to humble themselves and submit in service to each other
    • What distinguishes the role of husbands and wives?
      • Ephesians 5:22-33 distinguishes the different ways in which husbands and wives are to serve each other
      • “You don’t need to deny mutual submission to affirm the importance of the unique role of the husband as head and the unique calling of the wife to submit to that headship.” (p. 78)
    • John 13:1-20 – Jesus washes his disciples' feet. Are we to think that the disciples were uncertain as to the leadership of Christ?
    • “Servanthood does not nullify leadership; it defines it.” (p. 78)
    • “What are the positive, practical implications of being called head that give man his distinct role in marriage?”
      “It is not enough to say, “Serve one another.” That is true of Christ and his church—they serve each other. But they do not serve each other in all the same ways. Christ is Christ. We are the church. To confuse the distinctions would be doctrinally and spiritually devastating. So also the man is the Christ-portraying husband, and the woman is the church-portraying wife. And to confuse these God-intended distinctions, or to abandon them, results in more disillusionment and more divorce and more devastation.” (p. 79)
    • To deny Biblical headship of the husband is to deny Christ's headship of the Church.
    • How does sin affect headship and submission? Is headship and submission a result of sin – of the Fall in Genesis 3?
      • Headship & submission were part of creation – the man is created first and given the moral pattern – the command to not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good & evil; the man is interrogated first even though Eve was the first to eat of the fruit; even the fact that Satan came to tempt Eve instead of Adam – he's trying to overthrow the order that God had created
      • Sin twists the roles of headship & submission, particularly in a couple of ways for both husband and wife
        • Husband/headship – sin destroyed humble, loving, sacrificial headship
          • 1) headship exercised harshly, in a domineering, abusive dictatorial kind of way
          • 2) headship is essentially abdicated, the husband withdraws. As Piper put it in his sermon: “lazy indifference with a can of beer and a bag of chips 'til 10 o'clock and then he asks for sex” (http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/sermons/lionhearted-and-lamblike-the-christian-husband-as-head-part-1#/listen/full)
        • Wife/submission – sin destroyed willing, happy, creative, articulate submission
          • 1) manipulative groveling, caricature of helplessness – obsequiousness – willingness to mindlessly do anything you're told; slavish compliance
          • 2) brazen, rebellious, insubordinate, stark, uppity feminism - “nobody's opening the door for me!”
    • “Sin didn’t create headship and submission; it ruined them and distorted them and made them ugly and destructive.” (p. 79, emphasis added)
      • This is what sin does with everything – it takes good things and ruins & distorts them
    • “Wives, let your fallen submission be redeemed by modeling it after God’s intention for the church! Husbands, let your fallen headship be redeemed by modeling it after God’s intention for Christ!” (p. 80)
    • Headship is not a right to control your wife – Christ's sacrifice is our pattern; rather it's a responsibility to lead, protect, provide for, love & serve our wife as Christ loved & served us – giving His life for us
    • Submission is not being a doormat, or slavery or cowering in fear – it's a willing submission to the leadership of one who leads in loving, sacrificial service
    • “Headship is the divine calling of a husband to take primary responsibility for Christlike, servant leadership, protection, and provision in the home.” (p. 80)
    • “Submission is the divine calling of a wife to honor and affirm her husband’s leadership and help carry it through according to her gifts.” (p. 80)

• Chapter 7: Lionhearted and Lamblike—The Christian Husband as Head: What Does It Mean to Lead?
  • Scripture – Ephesians 5:21-33
  • Questions
    • What are some ways a husband protects or provides for his wife/family?
    • What are some dangers for a husband exercising headship?
  • Notes & Quotes
    • Dietrich Bonhoeffer: “it is a divine ordinance when the wife honors the husband for his office’s sake, and when the husband properly performs the duties of his office..” (quoted on p. 82)
    • The responsibility of leadership for the husband is great, but it's the role God has created for him – should we doubt that God will show the husband the grace to lead? So while the bad news is that we are unworthy of this role, and inadequate to fill it in and of ourselves, the good news is that God – through the work of Christ, His Word, and the power of the Spirit – gives us what we need to serve in our God-given role
    • The husband takes his cue for leadership from Christ
    • The husband bears the unique responsibility for leadership in the marriage
    • “Headship is the divine calling of a husband to take primary responsibility for Christlike, servant leadership, protection, and provision in the home.” (p. 84)
    • The husband's leadership is expressed through protection & provision
    • Four arguments for why the word “head” in Ephesians 5:23 means leadership
      • 1) “Head” is used for leaders in the Old Testament
        • Judges 10:18; 11:8-9, 11; 2 Samuel 22:44; Psalm 18:43; Isaiah 7:8
      • 2) Christ is head over the Church – He leads by His rule & authority
        • Ephesians 1:21-23
      • 3) Christ took the initiative (not the Church) in providing for the Church's salvation and sanctification by suffering and dying for her
        • Ephesians 5:25
        • “This is leadership of the most exalted kind. But it is servant leadership. Christ is taking the lead to save his bride, and he is doing it by suffering and dying for her.” (p. 85)
        • Christ's leadership set an example of suffering for love's sake (Matthew 16:24)
        • “leadership is not mainly a right and privilege, but a burden and a responsibility.” (p. 85, emphasis added)
      • 4) the concept of submission implies that headship is leadership
        • Ephesians 5:22-23
        • “When the ground of the wife’s submission is expressed as the headship of the husband, it is clear that headship involves the kind of leadership that a woman can affirm and honor.” (p. 85)
    • Leadership as Protection
      • Ephesians 5:25-27; see also 1 Peter 2:24; Galatians 3:13; Romans 5:8, 10
      • Husband should protect his wife at all costs, including his own comfort & desires, and especially his own life
    • Leadership as Provision
      • Ephesians 5:28-29 – the husband is to nourish & cherish his wife
      • Nourish – as a caring provider – Genesis 45:11 – provide – husband sees to it that his wife's (& children's) needs are met
      • Cherish – taking care of his wife, even as his own body (the “one flesh” idea we've talked about before) – 1 Thessalonians 2:7 – tender care, as of a mother
    • “Without protection and provision, life itself is threatened. … if a husband fails in his leadership here, there may not be any other place to exercise it.” (p. 87)
    • Protection & provision both have physical & spiritual meanings - “virtually everything a husband is called upon to do in his leadership is summed up in one of these four ways:” (p. 88)
      • 1) physical provision – food & shelter
      • 2) spiritual provision – the Word of God, spiritual guidance, instruction, encouragement
      • 3) physical protection – from natural disasters, disease, intruders
      • 4) spiritual protection – prayer, warnings, keeping bad influences out of the home
    • Encouragement to men: while this may sound overwhelming, “Christ does not call you to do what he won’t empower you to do.” (p. 88)
      • What God demands, He supplies.
      • “Leadership is hard. But you’re a man. If your father never taught you how to lead, your heavenly Father will.” (p. 88)
    • Caution to women: do not demand leadership from your husband, for the following reasons (and maybe more):
      • 1) If you're the demander, he's not the leader
        • Think of the man to whom Jesus told the parable of the rich fool, who told Jesus to tell his brother to split his inheritance (the man appealed to Jesus' authority, but was acting in a way that showed he thought he had authority over Jesus)
      • 2) Demanding is counterproductive – it crushes your husband's will to lead
      • 3) True Christlike servant leadership comes from the Spirit & Word of God working inside the husband
    • Women, instead of demanding:
      • 1) Pray for him – that God would work to bring out his manhood, his servant leadership
      • 2) Diplomatically ask to speak about your desires – when neither of you are tired or angry; express appreciation & honor for ways he does lead
    • Examples & Explanations:
    • 1) Leadership in Spiritual Provision
      • Immerse yourself in the Word – it's hard to lead with something you don't have
      • Family devotions/prayer/worship/Bible time of some sort
      • What do you do to lead your family spiritually?
      • Seek your wife's supporting & helping input & gifts – “headship takes primary responsibility, not sole responsibility.” (p. 89)
      • “Leadership does not assume it is superior. It assumes it should take initiative.” (p. 89)
      • Take the family to church regularly
      • Deuteronomy 6:4-9 – speak of spiritual & moral & biblical issues often
      • Lead by example – 1 Cor 4:15-17; 11:1; Phil 3:17; 4:9; 2 Thessalonians 3:7-9; 2 Tim 3:10-11; 4:12; Titus 2:7-8
    • 2) Leadership in Physical Provision
      • Husband bears primary (again, not sole) responsibility to provide
      • “In all of history this has been the case—both the man and the woman work. But their normal spheres of work are man: breadwinner; wife: domestic manager, designer, nurturer.” (p. 90)
      • “a man compromises his own soul and sends the wrong message to his wife and children when he does not position himself as the one who lays down his life to put bread on the table.” (p. 90)
    • 3) Leadership in Spiritual Protection
      • We need warriors – not with swords or spears or guns, but with biblical discernment and courage
      • Pray for your family – that they would not be led into temptation, but be delivered from evil – pray the prayers of scripture for them
      • Set standards for your family – work with your wife to set them
      • What kind of standards/limits will you & your family have for TV, movies, music, clothing
      • Again, we bear primary responsibility, not sole responsibility; God has given us wives to help us – do not frustrate them with a lack of leadership initiative, but seek their help
      • “Dad has a crucial role in defining the modesty of his daughter’s clothing. Yes, mom is the key player here in helping a young woman learn the meaning of modesty and beauty. But dad’s role is indispensable both in celebrating what they look like and telling them when the way they dress means what they don’t think it means. Dads know exactly what I mean. What you need here is courage. Don’t be afraid here. This is your daughter, and she must hear from you what she is saying to men with her clothes.” (p. 90-91)
      • “What kind of bathing suit do you put on your little two-year-old? Is it a cute little bikini? Or do you begin from the very start to teach this little girl that there is an appropriate way to dress? Are you preparing her so that by the time she is seven, eleven, or fifteen her whole mindset is, I dress appropriately, modestly, and not to entice or flaunt?” - from http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/ask-pastor-john/is-modesty-an-issue-in-the-church-today (from Nov. 19, 2007)
      • Ephesians 4:26-27
      • “Leadership means we must take the lead in reconciliation.” (p. 91)
      • Christ took the initiative to make all things new; to come back to Peter after his denials; to forgive us again & again
      • “woe to you if you think that since it’s her fault, she’s obliged to say the first reconciling word. Headship is not easy. It is the hardest, most humbling work in the world. Protect your family. Strive, as much as it lies within you, to make peace before the sun goes down.” (p. 91)
    • 4) Leadership in Physical Protection
      • “This is too obvious to need illustration—I wish. If there is a sound downstairs during the night and it might be a burglar, you don’t say to her, “This is an egalitarian marriage, so it’s your turn to go check it out. I went last time.” And I mean that—even if your wife has a black belt in karate. After you’ve tried to deter him, she may finish off the burglar with one good kick to the solar plexus. But you’d better be unconscious on the floor, or you’re no man. That’s written on your soul, brother, by God Almighty. Big or little, strong or weak, night or day, you go up against the enemy first. Woe to the husbands—and woe to the nation— that send their women to fight their battles.” (p. 91-92)
    • “When a man joyfully bears the primary God-given responsibility for Christlike, servant leadership and provision and protection in the home—for the spiritual well-being of the family, for the discipline and education of the children, for the stewardship of money, for the holding of a steady job, for the healing of discord—I have never met a wife who is sorry she married such a man. Because when God designs a thing (like marriage), he designs it for his glory and our good.” (p. 92)
    • Wives, if your husband loved, served, and led you with Christlike wisdom, humility, and grace, would you be able to submit to him? Then you can submit to your husband for at least two reasons:
      • 1) Submitting to your husband is an extension of and fruit of your submission to Christ
      • 2) If your husband is in Christ, he is justified by faith, and is being sanctified – he is being conformed to that very image of Christlikeness, and your submission to his failed attempts at leading you are ways in which God is sanctifying both of you
    • Wives, pray for your husband. Encourage him. This is a great responsibility we bear, and we cannot bear it without your help. You are God's gift to us to help us, to help us grow and help us lead. When we know you're standing with us, we are more likely to lead well.

Why Read the Bible?

D.A. Carson answers the question, "What's our goal for reading Scripture?"

(email subscribers may need to click through to view the video)

Last December I wrote this post about Bible reading, which includes various Bible reading plans.

(HT: Desiring God)

Short & Sweet

In this video Jared Wilson shares the main difference between Christianity and other religions, and how that relates to our sanctification:

(email subscribers may need to click through to view the video)

For more from Wilson on the Gospel and sanctification, read this article, or check out his book, Gospel Wakefulness.

(HT: Desiring God)

Marriage in Gospel Focus

Today I listened to the following message that Tim & Kathy Keller presented at The Gospel Coalition's Women's Conference last month.  I found it to be quite good (especially the last 24 minutes with Kathy), and a good complement to chapters 6-8 of This Momentary Marriage that we'll be discussing the next two Sundays.  If you've got the time, you can watch the message below, or click on the link to go find the audio of the message.

Marriage in Gospel Focus: http://thegospelcoalition.org/resources/a/marriage_in_gospel_focus

This Momentary Marriage - Week 3

Some notes from this week's study of This Momentary Marriage, chapters 4 & 5:

• Chapter 4: Forgiving and Forbearing
  • Scripture – Colossians 3:12-19
  • Questions
    • How important is forgiveness in a marriage? How can a lack of forgiveness affect a marriage?
    • What is the foundation of marriage and all of life?
    • How does Paul describe Christians in Colossians 3:12?
    • How can reflecting on the gospel affect you and your marriage?
    • How do you handle issues in your marriage – conflict, idiosyncrasies, annoying habits, sins, flaws, etc.?
  • Notes & Quotes
    • Review: Marriage is a pointer to Christ and the church that will vanish into the perfection of that glory
    • Review: Marriage is based on grace – receiving grace from Christ through his death on the cross, and bending that grace out to our spouse
    • Review: 3 reasons to emphasize forgiving & forbearing from chapter 3
      • 1) “because there is going to be conflict based on sin and strangeness (and you won’t be able even to agree with each other about what is simply strange about each other and what is sin)” (p. 48)
      • 2) “because the hard, rugged work of enduring and forgiving is what makes it possible for affections to flourish when they seem to have died” (p. 48)
      • 3) “because God gets glory when two very different and very imperfect people forge a life of faithfulness in the furnace of affliction by relying on Christ.” (p. 48)
    • There are things/sins that could/should lead to a redemptive separation, but we'll discuss day to day forgiveness and forbearance with a view to preventing such a separation
    • Foundation of marriage and all of life: the person & work of Christ on the cross
    • 3 descriptions of believers from Colossians 3:12:
      • 1) Chosen – we are God's elect, invincibly loved
        • “If you resist the truth of election, you resist being loved in the fullness and the sweetness of God’s love.” (p. 54)
      • 2) Holy – set apart for God – he chose us to become holy, not common or unclean
        • “This is first a position and a destiny before it is a pattern of behavior. That is why he is telling us the kind of behavior to “put on.” He knows we are not there yet, practically. He is calling us to become holy in life because we are holy in Christ. Dress to fit who you are. Wear holiness.” (p. 54)
      • 3) Loved – God is for us and not against us
        • Romans 5:8
      • “This is the beginning of how husbands and wives forbear and forgive. They are blown away by being chosen, set apart, and loved by God. Husbands, devote yourselves to seeing and savoring this. Wives, do the same. Get your life from this. Get your joy from this. Get your hope from this—that you are chosen, set apart, and loved by God. Plead with the Lord that this would be the heartbeat of your life and your marriage.” (p. 55)
    • After these descriptions, Paul tells us what kind of attitude and behavior fits with and flows from this identity as God's chosen, holy, and loved people
    • 3 inward conditions that lead to 3 outward demeanors:
      • 1) From bowels of mercy (compassionate hearts) to kindness
        • “Be merciful in your inmost being, and then out of that good ground grows the fruit of kindness.” (p. 55)
        • “So husbands, sink your roots by faith into Christ through the gospel until you become a more merciful person. Wives, sink your roots by faith into Christ through the gospel until you become a more merciful person. And then treat each other out of this tender mercy with kindness. The battle is with our own unmerciful inner person. Fight that battle by faith, through the gospel, in prayer. Be stunned and broken and built up and made glad and merciful because you are chosen, holy, loved.” (p. 56)
      • 2) From humility/lowliness to meekness
        • “People whose hearts are lowly, instead of proud, will act more meekly toward others. The meek count others above themselves and serve them. That happens when the heart is lowly, or humble.” (p. 56)
        • “So, husbands, sink your roots by faith into Christ through the gospel until you become more lowly and humble. Wives, sink your roots by faith into Christ through the gospel until you become more lowly and humble. The gospel of Christ’s painful death on our behalf has a way of breaking our pride and our sense of rightful demands and our frustration at not getting our way. It works lowliness into our souls. Then we treat each other with meekness flowing out of that lowliness. The battle is with our own proud, self-centered inner person. Fight that battle by faith, through the gospel, in prayer. Be stunned and broken and built up and made glad and humble because you are chosen, holy, loved.” (p. 56)
      • 3) From long-suffering (patience) to forbearance and forgiveness
        • Forbearance and forgiveness cannot exist biblically without each other
        • “become the kind of person who does not have a short fuse but a long one” (p. 57)
        • “These three inner conditions I have mentioned connect with each other and affect each other. “Bowels of mercy” and “lowliness” lead to being “long-suffering.” If you are quick to anger, instead of being long-suffering, the root is probably lack of mercy and lack of lowliness. In other words, being chosen, holy, and loved has not broken your heart and brought you down from self- centeredness and pride.” (p. 57)
        • “So, husbands, sink your roots by faith into Christ through the gospel until your heart is formed by these inner conditions of compassion and lowliness and patience. Fight for inner change—making you more merciful and more lowly and, in that way, more long-suffering. In the same way, wives, sink your roots by faith into Christ through the gospel until you become more merciful and more lowly and more long-suffering.” (p. 57)
    • Forbear – bear with – endure – become long-suffering people who endure each other
    • Forgive – freely & graciously give – do not exact payment – treat people better than they deserve
      • “So in this sense, you forgive when someone has wronged you, and therefore they are in debt to you, and sheer justice says you have the right to exact some suffering from them in payment for the suffering they caused you. You not only don’t demand the payment, but you “freely give” good for evil.” (p. 58)
    • “Forgiveness says: I will not treat you badly because of your sins against me or your annoying habits.” (p. 58)
    • “forbearance acknowledges (usually to itself): Those sins against me and those annoying habits really bother me or hurt me! If there were nothing in the other person that really bothered us or hurt us, there would be no need for saying “endure one another.”” (p. 58)
    • “When you marry a person, you don’t know what they are going to be like in thirty years.” (p. 58)
    • Compost pile – don't let issues cloud your view of your spouse; give them the benefit of the doubt, show them grace, and address the issues at appropriate, agreed on times
    • Do not pitch your tent by the compost pile
    • “we are forty years into this glorious and maddening thing called marriage, and we are not naive. These two redeemed sinners will go to our graves imperfect and annoying. We are very comforted that Paul does not say, “Endure one another for the first ten years of your marriage till you have all the problems solved and all the sins overcome, then enjoy the green pastures of the last forty years of your marriage without the need for enduring each other.” Sorry to pop any bubbles out there. Well, actually, we’re not sorry. We would rather pop the bubble of naiveté and give you a possible way to endure and enjoy.” (p. 60)

• Chapter 5: Pursuing Conformity to Christ in the Covenant
  • Scripture – Ephesians 5:21-33
  • Questions
    • How amazing is grace? How does God treat us better than we deserve?
    • Are we resigned to simply forgiving and forbearing in our marriage? Can we expect (or should we seek) change, either in ourselves or our spouse?
    • Who's the bigger problem in your marriage, you or your spouse? (consider Psalm 51; 1 Timothy 1:15)
    • How does change happen in a marriage? Does it grow from conflict and argument and nagging? Or does it grow from gracious forgiving & forbearing?
    • Husbands, how do we love & lead our wives? When we lead her or even, if necessary, confront her, are we self-exalting or self-denying? Is there contempt or compassion?
  • Notes & Quotes
    • Marriage is a model of Christ and the church because it is based on grace
    • “Christ pursues his bride by grace, obtains her for his own by grace, sustains her by grace, and will perfect her for himself by grace. We deserve none of this. We deserve judgment. It is all by grace.” (p. 63)
    • “this grace empowers husbands and wives to keep their covenant by means of forgiveness and forbearance. That emphasis is at the heart of what grace is: treating people better than they deserve.” (p 64)
    • Grace “not only gives power to endure being sinned against, it also gives power to stop sinning.” (p. 64)
    • “God gives grace not only to forgive and to forbear, but also to change, so that less forgiving and forbearing is needed.” (p. 64)
    • “Grace makes you want to change for the glory of Christ and for the joy of your spouse. And grace is the power to do it.” (p. 64)
    • Focus on changing yourself by the grace of God; if you focus on changing your spouse, it's probably not going to happen
    • Forgiveness & forbearance provides a foundation where change can happen
    • “rugged covenant- keeping commitment based on grace gives security and hope so the call for change can be heard without feeling like a threat. Only when a wife or husband feels that the other is totally committed—even if he or she doesn’t change—can the call for change feel like grace rather than an ultimatum.” (p. 65)
    • “In Christ’s relationship to the church, he is clearly seeking the transformation of his bride into something morally and spiritually beautiful. And he is seeking it at the cost of his life.” (p. 66)
    • Although a husband is called to love like Christ, bearing a responsibility for the moral and spiritual growth of his wife, he is not called to control every facet and aspect of his wife's life
    • 3 observations on Ephesians 5:25-27:
      • 1) the husband is not Christ
        • he is like Christ
        • “The husband is finite in strength, not omnipotent like Christ. The husband is finite and fallible in wisdom, not all-wise like Christ. The husband is sinful, not perfect like Christ. Therefore, we husbands dare not assume we are infallible. We sometimes err in what we would like to see changed in our wives.” (p. 67)
      • 2) conformity to Christ, not the husband
        • a godly husband doesn't want his wife to become like him, but to become like Christ
        • “These words—sanctify, splendor, holy—imply that our desires for our wives are measured by God’s standard of holiness, not our standard of personal preferences.” (p. 67)
      • 3) dying for the wife (most important of the three observations)
        • Christ pursues his bride's transformation by dying for her
        • “This is the most radical thing that could ever be said to a husband about the way he leads his wife into conformity to Christ in the covenant of marriage.” (p. 67)
        • “If a husband is loving and wise like Christ in all these ways, his desire for his wife’s change will feel, to a humble wife, like she is being served, not humiliated. Christ clearly desires for his bride to grow in holiness. But he died to bring it about. So we husbands should govern our desire for our wife’s change by the self-denying death of Christ. May God give us the humility and the courage to measure our methods by the sufferings of Christ. (See Titus 2:14; Rev. 19:7.)” (p. 67-68)
    • As a husband's headship is not identical to Christ's, so a wife's submission is not identical to her submission to Christ
    • “Christ is supreme; the husband is not. Her allegiance is first to Christ, not first to her husband. The analogy only works if the woman submits to Christ absolutely, not to the husband absolutely. Then she will be in a position to submit to the husband without committing treason or idolatry.” (p. 68)
    • Analogy of prayer – as we ask Christ to change things (not Himself, but situations), the wife may/should ask her husband to change things (even in himself)
    • All husbands (& wives) need to change
    • Wives are also loving sisters to their husbands – brothers & sisters in Christ help point out sin and call each other to repentance in a spirit of gentleness (Galatians 6:1)
    • Wives should seek wisdom & discernment to know when to say something and when to lovingly, graciously live in forbearance and forgiveness with their husband (see 1 Peter 3:1)
    • “It isn’t only wives who seek to win their spouses by their behavior. This is the primary means by which Christ won the church. He died for her. So wives win their husbands mainly by their lives of sacrificial love, and husbands win their wives mainly by lives of sacrificial love.” (p. 70)
    • “forgiving and forbearing ... turns out to be not merely a means of enduring what will not change, but also a means of changing by means of sacrificial, loving endurance. Few things have a greater transforming impact on a husband or a wife than the long-suffering, forgiving sacrifices of love in the spouse.” (p. 70)
    • “Life is not all forgiveness and forbearance. Real change can happen. Real change ought to happen. Christ died to make it happen. And he calls us, husbands and wives, to love like that.” (p. 70)

Piper on Sanctification

Blogger Tim Challies recently interviewed John Piper about sanctification.  I thought this Q&A was particularly good:

How can you know if you are making progress in your sanctification and how can you know how much progress you are making? Is sanctification something that can be measured?


Paul believed that sanctification has degrees. You can grow. He prays that “your love may abound more and more” (Phil. 1:9). He says the Thessalonians are pleasing God and tells them to “do so more and more” (1 Thess. 4:1). He tells the Corinthians that God will “increase the harvest of your righteousness” (2 Cor. 9:10). And prays, “May the Lord make you increase and abound in love for one another and for all” (1 Thess. 3:12).


But the New Testament does not quantify these degrees. “More and more” and “increasing” are discernible but not measurable. That is, while length is quantified in inches and feet. Holiness does not have similar measuring units.


So how do you know you are making progress? There is a paradox here. On the one hand, greater holiness is greater victory over sins. But on the other hand, greater holiness is greater sensitivity to and hatred for sin. So it does not follow that becoming more holy will mean becoming more happy with oneself. You may be a better person tomorrow and feel worse about the smaller corruption that remains.


But there are ways to discern growth. One is that those around you will see it and confirm it. Another is that you will see some of it. You will feel the weakening of some temptations as love for Christ pushes the desirability of sin far away. You will feel drawn to holy acts that once were burdens. And you will have holy sorrow when you omit them, not just guilt over a duty neglected. You will see the preferences in your life change. What was once supremely desirable is trumped by a superior desire for Christ and his word and his way. And you will confirm your heart change in action. Action that becomes less burdensome as love grows. “This is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome” (1 John 5:3).


We can and should make progress in sanctification. And we can and should be aware that it is happening. This will encourage us that God is at work in our lives. And it will humble us because progress will mean we can see more clearly how far we have to go and how small are our advances. And how much we will always need a great Savior.

For more from Piper on sanctification, go read the full interview, or check out Piper's free new ebook, Sanctification in the Everyday.

This Momentary Marriage - Week 2

Here are some notes from this week's study of chapters 2 and 3 of This Momentary Marriage:

• Chapter 2: Naked and Not Ashamed
  • Scripture – Genesis 2:25
  • Questions & notes/quotes
    • The natural man cannot understand the gospel (consider 1 Corinthians 2:14)
      • Dawkins: “I provided . . . cogent arguments against a supernatural intelligent designer. But it does seem to me to be a worthy idea. Refutable—but nevertheless grand and big enough to be worthy of respect. I don’t see the Olympian gods or Jesus coming down and dying on the Cross as worthy of that grandeur. They strike me as parochial.” (p. 29)
      • Piper: “Those who regard Christ and his incarnation and death and resurrection and lordship over all the universe as parochial cannot see the wonder of the gospel woven into marriage.” (p. 29)
      • Piper: “It is a miracle that any of us has seen this glory in the gospel. God alone can “give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ” (2 Corinthians 4:6).” (p. 30)
    • Review: marriage is fundamentally the doing of God, and ultimately the display of God.
    • Review: Piper: “o I argue that staying married is not mainly about staying in love. It’s about covenant-keeping. If a spouse falls in love with another person, one profoundly legitimate response from the grieved spouse and from the church is, “So what! Your being ‘in love’ with someone else is not decisive. Keeping your covenant is decisive.”” (p. 31)
    • What is the point of Genesis 2:25?
    • Why were Adam & Eve not ashamed? Because they had perfect bodies (pre-fall)?
      • 3 reasons why having perfect bodies is not why Adam & Eve were naked and unashamed:
        • 1) No matter how beautiful or handsome your spouse is, you can make comments that shame them; the one who is looking at you must be morally upright and gracious to avoid shaming you
        • 2) The way Jesus uses Genesis 2:24 in speaking to the permanence of marriage implies that verse 25 also maintains its relevance after the Fall of manking into sin, when none of us have perfect bodies
        • 3) Verse 24 is the foundation of verse 25 – the creation of a lasting, covenant, “one flesh” relationship
    • So why were Adam & Eve naked and unashamed?
      • Because of the fullness of covenant love - “even though I am imperfect, I have no fear of being disapproved by my spouse.” (p. 33)
      • Piper: “The first way to be shame-free is to be perfect; the second way to be shame-free is based on the gracious nature of covenant love. In the first case, there is no shame because we’re flawless. In the second case, there is no shame because covenant love covers a multitude of flaws (1 Peter 4:8; 1 Cor. 13:6).” (p. 33)
      • Even before the Fall, marriage was designed to display the covenant between Christ and His church, because Christ's death & resurrection were part of God's plan before the foundation of the world, before the creation of marriage
    • Do doctrines like “justification by grace alone through faith alone in Christ alone” have any application in marriage?
      • Piper: “Justification creates peace with God vertically, in spite of our sin. And when experienced horizontally, it creates shame-free peace between an imperfect man and an imperfect woman.” (p. 34) – more on this in chapter 3
    • So what happened when Adam & Eve sinned? Why did Adam & Eve suddenly become ashamed?
      • Piper: “The foundation of covenant-keeping love between a man and a woman is the unbroken covenant between them and God—God governing them for their good and they enjoying him in that security and relying on him. When they ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, that covenant was broken, and the foundation of their own covenant-keeping collapsed.” (p. 35)
      • 2 ways they experienced this broken covenant:
        • 1) “the person viewing my nakedness is no longer trustworthy, so I am afraid I will be shamed.” (p. 35)
          • Eve has declared her independence – she's no longer a servant of God, but wants to be God; so Adam has no reason to trust that she will love him with a pure covenant-keeping love
        • 2) “I myself am no longer at peace with God, and I feel guilty and defiled and unworthy—I deserve to be shamed.” (p. 35)
          • Adam is also selfish & rebellious and unsafe; he feels guilty and defiled and unworthy – because he is; and so he's vulnerable to shame
        • We're vulnerable to shame because of the sinful actions of our spouses, and we are rightly shamed because of our own sinful actions
    • Why did God clothe Adam & Eve?
    • What significance does our clothing have? Is there any spiritual significance to our wardrobe?
      • In clothing Adam & Eve, God is “doing something with a negative message and something with a positive message.” (p. 37)
      • Negative message – you ought to feel shame, you are not what you ought to be, clothing is an admission/confession of that
        • “Clothes are not meant to make people think about what is under the clothes. Clothes are meant to direct attention to what is not under them: merciful hands that serve others in the name of Christ, beautiful feet that carry the gospel where it is needed, and the brightness of a face that has beheld the glory of Jesus.” (p. 37)
      • Positive message – a testimony that God would one day make us what we should be
        • “God rejected their own self-clothing. Then he clothed them himself. He showed mercy with superior clothing.” (p. 37-38)
        • Genesis 3:15 – first sign of a Savior to come; God ultimately deals with our sin & shame through the blood of Christ; here he points to it with the blood of the animals slain for their skin; He will clothe us in righteousness and radiance of His glory
    • “The design of marriage, the fall of marriage, and the implied redemption of marriage all serve to tell us what marriage is for.” (p. 38)

• Chapter 3: God’s Showcase of Covenant-Keeping Grace
  • Scripture – Colossians 2:13-15; 3:12-19
  • Questions & notes/quotes
    • Review: Marriage is the doing of God – Mark 10:6-9 - “what God has joined together”
    • Review: Marriage is the display of God – Ephesians 5:31-32 - “the covenant involved in leaving mother and father and holding fast to a spouse and becoming one flesh is a portrayal of the covenant between Christ and his church.” (p. 42)
    • What is the most important thing you could say about marriage?
      • Noel: “You cannot say too often that marriage is a model of Christ and the church.” (p. 42)
        • 3 reasons (at least) that she is right:
          • 1) “This lifts marriage out of the sordid sitcom images and gives it the magnificent meaning God meant it to have” (p. 42)
          • 2) “this gives marriage a solid basis in grace, since Christ obtained and sustains his bride by grace alone” (p. 42)
          • 3) “this shows that the husband’s headship and the wife’s submission are crucial and crucified. That is, they are woven into the very meaning of marriage as a display of Christ and the church, but they are both defined by Christ’s self-denying work on the cross so that their pride and slavishness are canceled.” (p. 42-43)
          • first reason was covered in chapters 1 & 2
          • chapter 3 begins to look at the second reason
    • “the main point in this chapter is that since Christ’s new covenant with his church is created by and sustained by blood- bought grace, therefore, human marriages are meant to showcase that new-covenant grace.” (p. 43, emphasis added)
      • “And the way husbands and wives showcase it is by resting in the experience of God’s grace and bending it out from a vertical experience with God into a horizontal experience with their spouse. In other words, in marriage you live hour by hour in glad dependence on God’s forgiveness and justification and promised future grace, and you bend it out toward your spouse hour by hour—as an extension of God’s forgiveness and justification and promised help.” (p. 43)
      • All of life, not just marriage is to display God's glory; we should live this way in all of our relationships
      • But marriage is a unique display because it is a covenantal relationship
    • Tie to chapter 2: “The key to being naked and not ashamed (Gen. 2:25)—when, in fact, a husband and a wife do many things that they should be ashamed of—is the experience of God’s vertical forgiving, justifying grace bent out horizontally to each other and displayed to the world.” (p. 44)
    • What does the wrath of God have to do with our relationships/marriages?
      • We should never think that our wrath/anger (or our spouse's) is too big to overcome, because of the Gospel – the righteous & just wrath of the infinite, eternal, holy God against the sins of His created people was overcome through Christ's death on the cross. If Christ died for my sins, for my spouse's sins, how can I either hold on to my own anger, or fail to forgive my spouse's sins?
      • Colossians 2:13-14 – God canceled the record of debt against us, nailing it to the cross
      • “When did that happen? Two thousand years ago. It did not happen inside of us, and it did not happen with any help from us. God did it for us and outside of us before we were ever born. This is the great objectivity of our salvation.” (p. 45)
      • “Be sure you see this most wonderful and astonishing of all truths: God took the record of all your sins that made you a debtor to wrath (sins are offenses against God that bring down his wrath), and instead of holding them up in front of your face and using them as the war- rant to send you to hell, God put them in the palm of his Son’s hand and drove a spike through them into the cross. It is a bold and graphic statement: He canceled the record of our debt . . . nailing it to the cross (Col. 2:14).” (p. 45, emphasis added)
      • My sin and my wife's sin and the sin of all who would trust in Christ were nailed to the cross – in His hands. He substituted Himself, absorbing the wrath we deserved for our sin. Piper: “God condemned my sin in Christ’s flesh.” (p. 45)
    • Besides forgiveness, what else does justification mean for us?
      • “Not only are we forgiven because of Christ, but God also declares us righteous because of Christ.” (p. 46)
      • “Christ bears our punishment, and Christ performs our righteousness. And when we receive Christ (John 1:12), all of his punishment and all of his righteousness is counted as ours (Rom. 4:4–6; 5:1, 19; 8:1; 10:4; 2 Cor. 5:21; Phil. 3:8–9).” (p. 46)
      • Tullian Tchividjian: “God demands perfect righteousness; God delivers perfect righteousness.”
      • This is sometimes spoken of by theologians as the law/gospel distinction
      • Rod Rosenblat: “The law is what God demands, and the gospel is what God gives. And what he gives in the gospel is what he demands in the law.”
    • In order to be a display of the covenant keeping nature of Christ's gospel, our marriages must take our justification from God (vertically) and bend it out to our spouses (horizontally) – see Colossians 3:12-13 (also Ephesians 4:32)
    • ““As the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive” your spouse. As the Lord “bears with” you, so you should bear with your spouse. The Lord “bears with” us every day as we fall short of his will. Indeed, the distance between what Christ expects of us and what we achieve is infinitely greater than the distance between what we expect of our spouse and what he or she achieves. Christ always forgives more and endures more than we do. Forgive as you have been forgiven. Bear with as he bears with you. This holds true whether you are married to a believer or an unbeliever. Let the measure of God’s grace to you in the cross of Christ be the measure of your grace to your spouse.” (p. 46)
    • “if you are married to a believer, you can add this: As the Lord counts you righteous in Christ, though you are not righteous in actual behavior and attitude, so count your spouse righteous in Christ, though he or she is not righteous.” (p. 47)
    • This truth does not reduce the need for the Holy Spirit, for prayer, for meditating on the Bible, for wisdom, for compassion, for community, for counseling, but this truth serves as a foundation for struggles in our marriage
    • Three reasons to emphasize “living vertically from the grace of God and then bending out horizontally in forgiveness and justification toward your spouse are” (p. 48):
      • 1) “because there is going to be conflict based on sin and strangeness (and you won’t be able even to agree with each other about what is simply strange about each other and what is sin)” (p. 48)
      • 2) “because the hard, rugged work of enduring and forgiving is what makes it possible for affections to flourish when they seem to have died” (p. 48)
      • 3) “because God gets glory when two very different and very imperfect people forge a life of faithfulness in the furnace of affliction by relying on Christ.” (p. 48)

This Momentary Marriage - Week 1

This morning we kicked off our study of John Piper's This Momentary Marriage.  I was as excited about this study leaving class this morning as I was before class started.  I enjoyed the discussion we had and look forward to continuing the series.  Thanks to all who participated this morning, and also thanks in advance to all those who will continue to participate in the weeks to come.

I've been putting some notes together as I've been going through the book again, and thought I'd share some of them as we go.  Some of them may reflect class discussion, some may be things that weren't brought up at all.  I hope that there may be some benefit for you in these (very raw) notes.

• Foreward: Pendulums and Pictures (Noel Piper)
  • Scripture – Ephesians 5:31-32
  • Questions & points/quotes
    • How are you & your spouse alike? How are you different?
      • Ruth Bell Graham – if two people always agree on everything, one of them is unnecessary
    • Do you find yourself disappointed or unhappy in your marriage?
      • Pipers – more than 43 years of marriage, they've seen plenty of ups & downs – “the first twenty five are the hardest”
      • sin sends our marriages into low points, but God's grace keeps them together and brings them to high points
      • Noel: “Marriage refers to Christ and the church—every marriage, no matter how pendulum-like because of our sin; every marriage, even if the couple doesn’t care a bit about Jesus.”
    • marriage is a picture of Christ and the church
    • anybody ever been to the Grand Canyon? Had you seen pictures before going? Did the pictures do it justice?

• Introduction: Marriage and Martyrdom
  • Scripture – Mark 12:25
  • Questions & points/quotes
    • Do you and your spouse have any goals for your marriage?
      • Piper: “The aim of this book is to enlarge your vision of what marriage is. As Bonhoeffer says, it is more than your love for each other. Vastly more. Its meaning is infinitely great. I say that with care. The meaning of marriage is the display of the covenant-keeping love between Christ and his people.” (p. 15)
      • Piper: “This covenant-keeping love reached its climax in the death of Christ for his church, his bride. That death was the ultimate expression of grace, which is the ultimate expression of God’s glory, which is of infinite value. Therefore, when Paul says that our great and final destiny is “the praise of [God’s] glorious grace” (Eph. 1:6), he elevates marriage beyond measure, for here, uniquely, God displays the apex of the glory of his grace: “Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph. 5:25).” (p. 15-16)
    • Piper: “Romance, sex, and childbearing are temporary gifts of God. They are not part of the next life. And they are not guaranteed even for this life. They are one possible path along the narrow way to Paradise. Marriage passes through breathtaking heights and through swamps with choking vapors. It makes many things sweeter, and with it come bitter providences.” (p. 16-17)

• Chapter 1: Staying Married Is Not Mainly about Staying in Love
  • Scripture: Genesis 2:18-25; Mark 10:8-9, 12:25; Matthew 19:4-5, 10-12; Ephesians 5:31-32
  • Questions & points/quotes
    • What sustains your marriage?
      • Bonhoeffer: “It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love.” (quoted on p. 18)
    • What are some different things that our culture (movies, tv shows, music, friends, family, co-workers, etc.) says about marriage?
      • cultural view of marriage: “the main idol is self; and its main doctrine is autonomy; and its central act of worship is being entertained; and its three main shrines are the television, the Internet, and the cinema; and its most sacred genuflection is the uninhibited act of sexual intercourse” (p. 20)
    • How does the Bible either contrast and correct the culture's vision, or inform and support it?
    • What is marriage? Who can be married?
    • How long does marriage last? Can marriage be eternal?
      • Piper: “There is no human marriage after death. The shadow of covenant-keeping between husband and wife gives way to the reality of covenant-keeping between Christ and his glorified Church. Nothing is lost. The music of every pleasure is transposed into an infinitely higher key.” (p. 14-15, from Introduction)
    • What is the purpose of marriage?
      • our sin blinds us from seeing the wonder of God's purpose for marriage
      • we cannot expect a fallen, sinful culture to embrace the biblical view of marriage
      • we must pray for God to work in them, for the Holy Spirit to regenerate their hearts and open their eyes to the glory of God in the face of Christ, to the good news of Christ's perfect life, substitutionary death for our sins, and His resurrection for our justification
      • only then are people able to seek God and listen to Him teach us about all of life, including marriage; and we continue to need His grace and the power of the Holy Spirit
      • 1. Most foundational thing to see about marriage from the Bible: Marriage is God's Doing
        • a) Marriage was God's design
          • it was not good for man to be alone
          • God made a helper fit/suitable for him – a wife
          • the animals do not qualify
        • b) God gave away the first bride
          • God brought her to the man
        • c) God spoke the design of marriage into existence
          • a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh
        • d) God performs the one-flesh union
          • just as God made the woman from the flesh of the man, so he ordains and performs this uniting called “one flesh”
          • God takes a rib from the man and creates the woman, whose natural place is back by the side of the man from whom she was made – they become “one flesh”
          • Piper: “When a couple speaks their vows, it is not a man or a woman or a pastor or parent who is the main actor—the main doer. God is. God joins a husband and a wife into a one-flesh union. God does that. The world does not know this. Which is one of the reasons why marriage is treated so casually. And Christians often act like they don’t know it, which is one of the reasons marriage in the church is not seen as the wonder it is. Marriage is God’s doing because it is a one-flesh union that God himself performs.” (p. 23)
      • 2. Ultimate thing to see about marriage in the Bible: Marriage is for God's Glory
        • marriage displays God's glory like no other event or institution
        • questions from Piper: “What kind of relationship is this? How are these two people held together? Can they walk away from this relationship? Can they go from spouse to spouse? Is this relationship rooted in romance? Sexual desire? Need for companionship? Cultural convenience? What is this? What holds it together?” (p. 24)
        • mystery of marriage – it is patterned after Christ's covenant commitment to His church.
        • Piper: “Christ obtained the church by his blood and formed a new covenant with her, an unbreakable “marriage.”” (p. 25)
      • Piper: “Marriage is patterned after Christ’s covenant relationship to his redeemed people, the church. And therefore, the highest meaning and the most ultimate purpose of marriage is to put the covenant relationship of Christ and his church on display. That is why marriage exists. If you are married, that is why you are married. If you hope to be, that should be your dream.” (p. 25, emphasis added)
      • Christ will never leave His wife
      • Piper: “Staying married, therefore, is not mainly about staying in love. It is about keeping covenant. “Till death do us part” or “As long as we both shall live” is a sacred covenant promise—the same kind Jesus made with his bride when he died for her. Therefore, what makes divorce and remarriage so horrific in God’s eyes is not merely that it involves covenant-breaking to the spouse, but that it involves misrepresenting Christ and his covenant. Christ will never leave his wife. Ever. There may be times of painful distance and tragic backsliding on our part. But Christ keeps his covenant forever. Marriage is a display of that! That is the ultimate thing we can say about it. It puts the glory of Christ’s covenant-keeping love on display.
        
        “The most important implication of this conclusion is that keeping covenant with our spouse is as important as telling the truth about God’s covenant with us in Jesus Christ. Marriage is not mainly about being or staying in love. It’s mainly about telling the truth with our lives. It’s about portraying something true about Jesus Christ and the way he relates to his people. It is about showing in real life the glory of the gospel.
        
        “Jesus died for sinners. He forged a covenant in the white-hot heat of his suffering in our place. He made an imperfect bride his own with the price of his blood and covered her with the garments of his own righteousness. He said, “I am with you . . . to the end of the age. . . . I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Matt. 28:20; Heb. 13:5). Marriage is meant by God to put that gospel reality on display in the world. That is why we are married. That is why all married people are married, even when they don’t know and embrace this gospel.” (last 3 paragraphs of chapter 1, p. 25-26)

Follow up to Mary and Martha lesson

For those who were in Life Group on Sunday morning, I wanted to connect the dots on something from the story of Mary and Martha (Luke 10:38-42).

In discussion, Josh brought up the woman who washed Jesus' feet with expensive perfume, and dried them with her hair. As a matter of fact, that woman was the same Mary from Sunday's study! You can read about it in John 12:1-8.

Mary apparently understood the importance of timing, in terms of not missing opportunities to be with her Lord. She also was willing to be lavish in her devotion to Christ. Martha seems to have been a little more weighed down with worldly pressures and concerns, at least in the passage we studied from Luke.

I just wanted to point out another passage that mentions these sisters (they are also key figures in John 11:1-44), and to make the connection with Josh's comment. Just like Mary did, there are times for us to overflow with expressions of worship for our Savior, even if they go against others' expectations.

The Gospel in Two Minutes

I figured I'd take a break from D.A. Carson and show you the following video, a two minute explanation of the Gospel from Trip Lee:




For more from Trip Lee, check out another 2 minute video on how hip hop can speak to the believers' fight against sin: http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/hip-hop-and-the-fight-against-sin

And if you're wondering what in the world I'm doing referencing a rapper, you may find this helpful (or at least entertaining, especially the graphic): http://www.challies.com/resources/the-middle-aged-white-guys-guide-to-christian-rap