- Chapter 6: Lionhearted and Lamblike—The Christian Husband as Head: Foundations of Headship
- Scripture – Ephesians 5:21-33
- Questions
- What does the Bible mean when it says that the husband is the head of the wife?
- How does marriage being a picture of Christ and the Church speak to the roles of a husband and wife?
- Notes & Quotes
- Dietrich Bonhoeffer: “The dignity that is here ascribed to the man lies, not in any capacities or qualities of his work but in the office conferred on him by his marriage. The wife should see her husband clothed in this dignity. But for him it is supreme responsibility.” (quoted on p. 72)
- Similar to respecting the office of the President; you don't have to respect the person in order to respect the position, authority, and leadership of the office
- Christ is both Lion and Lamb (Revelation 5:5-6), “strong and meek, tough and tender, aggressive and responsive, bold and brokenhearted. He sets the pattern for manhood.” (p. 73-74)
- What does it mean for a married man to be the head of his wife and his home?
- We need to know this for two reasons:
- 1) “We need to know what the Bible means by this statement so that we can exult in it and obey.” (p. 74)
- 2) To recover Biblical manhood and restore Christ-exalting family structure – to restore/repair/prevent broken families & a world marred by them
- Review: “staying married is not mainly about staying in love, but about keeping covenant.” (p. 74)
- “Keeping first things first makes second things better.” (p. 74) – staying in love is the overflow of covenant-keeping in marriage
- Headship and submission are built on the foundation of the gospel of grace
- Why is the one-flesh union spoken of in Genesis 2:24 a mystery?
- Mystery – not that it can't be understood, but it's a hidden purpose of God that is now revealed to us
- The meaning of marriage has been hinted at, but now the shadows have been illuminated to see that it refers to Christ and the Church
- “The marriage union is a mystery, he says, because its deepest meaning has been concealed by God during the Old Testament history but is now being openly revealed by the apostle, namely, that marriage is an image of Christ and the church.” (p. 75)
- As Christ and the Church are one body, the husband and wife are one flesh
- What the husband does for the wife, he ultimately does for himself – what's good for her is good for him
- “When the husband cherishes and nourishes his wife, he cherishes and nourishes himself; and when Christ cherishes and nourishes the church, he cherishes and nourishes himself.” (p. 76)
- Geoffrey Bromiley: “As God made man in His own image, so He made earthly marriage in the image of His own eternal marriage with His people.” (quoted on p. 76)
- One part of the mystery is that husband and wife have distinct roles
- Matthew Henry on Genesis 2:22-24: “the woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved.” (Genesis to Deuteronomy, Matthew Henry's Commentary Vol. 1 (Peabody: Hendrickson Publishers, 2006), 16)
- What is an egalitarian? One who believes in complete equality between men & women – no distinction of roles, reject the idea of male leadership in the home
- Ephesians 5:21 – all of us as believers in Christ are called to humble ourselves and submit to each other, serving one another in love – this includes husbands and wives, who are to humble themselves and submit in service to each other
- What distinguishes the role of husbands and wives?
- Ephesians 5:22-33 distinguishes the different ways in which husbands and wives are to serve each other
- “You don’t need to deny mutual submission to affirm the importance of the unique role of the husband as head and the unique calling of the wife to submit to that headship.” (p. 78)
- John 13:1-20 – Jesus washes his disciples' feet. Are we to think that the disciples were uncertain as to the leadership of Christ?
- “Servanthood does not nullify leadership; it defines it.” (p. 78)
- “What are the positive, practical implications of being called head that give man his distinct role in marriage?”“It is not enough to say, “Serve one another.” That is true of Christ and his church—they serve each other. But they do not serve each other in all the same ways. Christ is Christ. We are the church. To confuse the distinctions would be doctrinally and spiritually devastating. So also the man is the Christ-portraying husband, and the woman is the church-portraying wife. And to confuse these God-intended distinctions, or to abandon them, results in more disillusionment and more divorce and more devastation.” (p. 79)
- To deny Biblical headship of the husband is to deny Christ's headship of the Church.
- How does sin affect headship and submission? Is headship and submission a result of sin – of the Fall in Genesis 3?
- Headship & submission were part of creation – the man is created first and given the moral pattern – the command to not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good & evil; the man is interrogated first even though Eve was the first to eat of the fruit; even the fact that Satan came to tempt Eve instead of Adam – he's trying to overthrow the order that God had created
- Sin twists the roles of headship & submission, particularly in a couple of ways for both husband and wife
- Husband/headship – sin destroyed humble, loving, sacrificial headship
- 1) headship exercised harshly, in a domineering, abusive dictatorial kind of way
- 2) headship is essentially abdicated, the husband withdraws. As Piper put it in his sermon: “lazy indifference with a can of beer and a bag of chips 'til 10 o'clock and then he asks for sex” (http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/sermons/lionhearted-and-lamblike-the-christian-husband-as-head-part-1#/listen/full)
- Wife/submission – sin destroyed willing, happy, creative, articulate submission
- 1) manipulative groveling, caricature of helplessness – obsequiousness – willingness to mindlessly do anything you're told; slavish compliance
- 2) brazen, rebellious, insubordinate, stark, uppity feminism - “nobody's opening the door for me!”
- “Sin didn’t create headship and submission; it ruined them and distorted them and made them ugly and destructive.” (p. 79, emphasis added)
- This is what sin does with everything – it takes good things and ruins & distorts them
- “Wives, let your fallen submission be redeemed by modeling it after God’s intention for the church! Husbands, let your fallen headship be redeemed by modeling it after God’s intention for Christ!” (p. 80)
- Headship is not a right to control your wife – Christ's sacrifice is our pattern; rather it's a responsibility to lead, protect, provide for, love & serve our wife as Christ loved & served us – giving His life for us
- Submission is not being a doormat, or slavery or cowering in fear – it's a willing submission to the leadership of one who leads in loving, sacrificial service
- “Headship is the divine calling of a husband to take primary responsibility for Christlike, servant leadership, protection, and provision in the home.” (p. 80)
- “Submission is the divine calling of a wife to honor and affirm her husband’s leadership and help carry it through according to her gifts.” (p. 80)
- Chapter 7: Lionhearted and Lamblike—The Christian Husband as Head: What Does It Mean to Lead?
- Scripture – Ephesians 5:21-33
- Questions
- What are some ways a husband protects or provides for his wife/family?
- What are some dangers for a husband exercising headship?
- Notes & Quotes
- Dietrich Bonhoeffer: “it is a divine ordinance when the wife honors the husband for his office’s sake, and when the husband properly performs the duties of his office..” (quoted on p. 82)
- The responsibility of leadership for the husband is great, but it's the role God has created for him – should we doubt that God will show the husband the grace to lead? So while the bad news is that we are unworthy of this role, and inadequate to fill it in and of ourselves, the good news is that God – through the work of Christ, His Word, and the power of the Spirit – gives us what we need to serve in our God-given role
- The husband takes his cue for leadership from Christ
- The husband bears the unique responsibility for leadership in the marriage
- “Headship is the divine calling of a husband to take primary responsibility for Christlike, servant leadership, protection, and provision in the home.” (p. 84)
- The husband's leadership is expressed through protection & provision
- Four arguments for why the word “head” in Ephesians 5:23 means leadership
- 1) “Head” is used for leaders in the Old Testament
- 2) Christ is head over the Church – He leads by His rule & authority
- 3) Christ took the initiative (not the Church) in providing for the Church's salvation and sanctification by suffering and dying for her
- “This is leadership of the most exalted kind. But it is servant leadership. Christ is taking the lead to save his bride, and he is doing it by suffering and dying for her.” (p. 85)
- Christ's leadership set an example of suffering for love's sake (Matthew 16:24)
- “leadership is not mainly a right and privilege, but a burden and a responsibility.” (p. 85, emphasis added)
- 4) the concept of submission implies that headship is leadership
- “When the ground of the wife’s submission is expressed as the headship of the husband, it is clear that headship involves the kind of leadership that a woman can affirm and honor.” (p. 85)
- Leadership as Protection
- Husband should protect his wife at all costs, including his own comfort & desires, and especially his own life
- Leadership as Provision
- Ephesians 5:28-29 – the husband is to nourish & cherish his wife
- Nourish – as a caring provider – Genesis 45:11 – provide – husband sees to it that his wife's (& children's) needs are met
- Cherish – taking care of his wife, even as his own body (the “one flesh” idea we've talked about before) – 1 Thessalonians 2:7 – tender care, as of a mother
- “Without protection and provision, life itself is threatened. … if a husband fails in his leadership here, there may not be any other place to exercise it.” (p. 87)
- Protection & provision both have physical & spiritual meanings - “virtually everything a husband is called upon to do in his leadership is summed up in one of these four ways:” (p. 88)
- 1) physical provision – food & shelter
- 2) spiritual provision – the Word of God, spiritual guidance, instruction, encouragement
- 3) physical protection – from natural disasters, disease, intruders
- 4) spiritual protection – prayer, warnings, keeping bad influences out of the home
- Encouragement to men: while this may sound overwhelming, “Christ does not call you to do what he won’t empower you to do.” (p. 88)
- What God demands, He supplies.
- “Leadership is hard. But you’re a man. If your father never taught you how to lead, your heavenly Father will.” (p. 88)
- Caution to women: do not demand leadership from your husband, for the following reasons (and maybe more):
- 1) If you're the demander, he's not the leader
- Think of the man to whom Jesus told the parable of the rich fool, who told Jesus to tell his brother to split his inheritance (the man appealed to Jesus' authority, but was acting in a way that showed he thought he had authority over Jesus)
- 2) Demanding is counterproductive – it crushes your husband's will to lead
- 3) True Christlike servant leadership comes from the Spirit & Word of God working inside the husband
- Women, instead of demanding:
- 1) Pray for him – that God would work to bring out his manhood, his servant leadership
- 2) Diplomatically ask to speak about your desires – when neither of you are tired or angry; express appreciation & honor for ways he does lead
- Examples & Explanations:
- 1) Leadership in Spiritual Provision
- Immerse yourself in the Word – it's hard to lead with something you don't have
- Family devotions/prayer/worship/Bible time of some sort
- What do you do to lead your family spiritually?
- Seek your wife's supporting & helping input & gifts – “headship takes primary responsibility, not sole responsibility.” (p. 89)
- “Leadership does not assume it is superior. It assumes it should take initiative.” (p. 89)
- Take the family to church regularly
- Deuteronomy 6:4-9 – speak of spiritual & moral & biblical issues often
- Lead by example – 1 Cor 4:15-17; 11:1; Phil 3:17; 4:9; 2 Thessalonians 3:7-9; 2 Tim 3:10-11; 4:12; Titus 2:7-8
- 2) Leadership in Physical Provision
- Husband bears primary (again, not sole) responsibility to provide
- “In all of history this has been the case—both the man and the woman work. But their normal spheres of work are man: breadwinner; wife: domestic manager, designer, nurturer.” (p. 90)
- “a man compromises his own soul and sends the wrong message to his wife and children when he does not position himself as the one who lays down his life to put bread on the table.” (p. 90)
- 3) Leadership in Spiritual Protection
- We need warriors – not with swords or spears or guns, but with biblical discernment and courage
- Pray for your family – that they would not be led into temptation, but be delivered from evil – pray the prayers of scripture for them
- Set standards for your family – work with your wife to set them
- What kind of standards/limits will you & your family have for TV, movies, music, clothing
- Again, we bear primary responsibility, not sole responsibility; God has given us wives to help us – do not frustrate them with a lack of leadership initiative, but seek their help
- “Dad has a crucial role in defining the modesty of his daughter’s clothing. Yes, mom is the key player here in helping a young woman learn the meaning of modesty and beauty. But dad’s role is indispensable both in celebrating what they look like and telling them when the way they dress means what they don’t think it means. Dads know exactly what I mean. What you need here is courage. Don’t be afraid here. This is your daughter, and she must hear from you what she is saying to men with her clothes.” (p. 90-91)
- “What kind of bathing suit do you put on your little two-year-old? Is it a cute little bikini? Or do you begin from the very start to teach this little girl that there is an appropriate way to dress? Are you preparing her so that by the time she is seven, eleven, or fifteen her whole mindset is, I dress appropriately, modestly, and not to entice or flaunt?” - from http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/ask-pastor-john/is-modesty-an-issue-in-the-church-today (from Nov. 19, 2007)
- “Leadership means we must take the lead in reconciliation.” (p. 91)
- Christ took the initiative to make all things new; to come back to Peter after his denials; to forgive us again & again
- “woe to you if you think that since it’s her fault, she’s obliged to say the first reconciling word. Headship is not easy. It is the hardest, most humbling work in the world. Protect your family. Strive, as much as it lies within you, to make peace before the sun goes down.” (p. 91)
- 4) Leadership in Physical Protection
- “This is too obvious to need illustration—I wish. If there is a sound downstairs during the night and it might be a burglar, you don’t say to her, “This is an egalitarian marriage, so it’s your turn to go check it out. I went last time.” And I mean that—even if your wife has a black belt in karate. After you’ve tried to deter him, she may finish off the burglar with one good kick to the solar plexus. But you’d better be unconscious on the floor, or you’re no man. That’s written on your soul, brother, by God Almighty. Big or little, strong or weak, night or day, you go up against the enemy first. Woe to the husbands—and woe to the nation— that send their women to fight their battles.” (p. 91-92)
- “When a man joyfully bears the primary God-given responsibility for Christlike, servant leadership and provision and protection in the home—for the spiritual well-being of the family, for the discipline and education of the children, for the stewardship of money, for the holding of a steady job, for the healing of discord—I have never met a wife who is sorry she married such a man. Because when God designs a thing (like marriage), he designs it for his glory and our good.” (p. 92)
- Wives, if your husband loved, served, and led you with Christlike wisdom, humility, and grace, would you be able to submit to him? Then you can submit to your husband for at least two reasons:
- 1) Submitting to your husband is an extension of and fruit of your submission to Christ
- 2) If your husband is in Christ, he is justified by faith, and is being sanctified – he is being conformed to that very image of Christlikeness, and your submission to his failed attempts at leading you are ways in which God is sanctifying both of you
- Wives, pray for your husband. Encourage him. This is a great responsibility we bear, and we cannot bear it without your help. You are God's gift to us to help us, to help us grow and help us lead. When we know you're standing with us, we are more likely to lead well.
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