Trisha was flipping around the channels on Friday night, and settled on Rock Center. I'm generally not a fan of these kinds of shows, but I found myself intrigued by one of the stories - about the marriage of Gabrielle Reece and Laird Hamilton. The story also caught the attention of Ryan Gold, who blogged about it:
What if I told you a former professional beach volleyball player/fitness model and her world-class surfer dude husband resemble more of a biblical marriage than many evangelical Christians.
...
while it’s not my desire to hold this couple up as a model to follow, I do think they are a rebuke to many Christian marriages that ought to be experiencing and modeling what Laird and Gabby are doing without the Holy Spirit in their lives.
Here are some things I found intriguing about this interview:
She embraces submission.
She embraces clearly defined gender roles.
She’s a strong woman married to a strong man.
She believes regular sex in marriage is not an option.
A few videos from around the blogosphere/twitter-verse caught my attention today, and I thought they were worth sharing. (If you subscribe via RSS or email, you may need to click through to view the videos.)
The first is a video titled "When Love Leads," and is about a couple fighting for their marriage. While watching this, I couldn't help but think of some of the things we talked about while going through John Piper's This Momentary Marriagelast summer.
The second is called "Jacob Chen: An Adoption Story." Here's a brief blurb about the video that I found here:
“Jacob Chen: An Adoption Story” follows the Chen couple as they meet their adopted son, Jacob, for the first time. As the film demonstrates, adoption can be an outward witness to and expression of worship for God’s adoption of us—and a way to showcase the gospel in living color to the world (Gal. 4:4-7).
Austin Stone Church has launched a massive adoption campaign to try and adopt all 244 kids needing adoption in the city of Austin, Texas.
The third video is a longer one, which I haven't made through all the way yet. But it features a recent interview with Russell Moore, author of one of my favorite books, Adopted For Life. As his website bio states, "Moore is President-elect of the Southern Baptist Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission. At present, he also serves as Dean of the School of Theology and Senior Vice President for Academic Administration at The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, where he also serves as Professor of Christian Theology and Ethics." I've watched/listened to about half of the video so far, and am impressed with Moore's reasoned, humble responses to questions from both the host and callers. If you find yourself interested in or engaged in the so-called "culture wars," I think this video would be well worth your time.
Chapter 14: What God Has Joined
Together, Let Not Man Separate: The Gospel and the Radical New
Obedience
Scripture – Mark 10:1-13
Questions
Has this book given you a more
serious or profound view of marriage?
Do you ever hear people ask if
divorce is legal? Or good? Or right?
What did Moses write (in Genesis
through Deuteronomy) about divorce? About marriage?
Notes & Quotes
Bonhoeffer: “God joins you
together in marriage; it is his act, not yours.” (quoted on p.
156)
Divorce is more painful than the
death of a spouse
“Death is usually clean pain.
Divorce is usually unclean pain. In other words, the enormous loss
of a spouse in death is compounded in divorce by the ugliness of
sin and moral outrage at being so wronged.” (p. 158)
The effects of divorce ripple to
all facets of life – work, family, friends, children, finances
Two ways to respond in love &
care to divorce:
1) Come alongside & stand
by the divorced person & help them find their way to enjoy
forgiveness & new obedience in Christ
2) Articulate a hatred of
divorce & do all we can to prevent it
These two ways both need to
happen
“One of the reasons that I
have emphasized the ultimate meaning of marriage so much in these
chapters is that the meaning of marriage is such that human beings
cannot legitimately break it. The ultimate meaning of marriage
is the representation of the covenant-keeping love between Christ
and his church.” (p. 159)
“if
Christ ever abandons and discards his church, then a man may
divorce his wife. And if the blood-bought church, under the new
covenant, ever ceases to be the bride of Christ, then a wife may
legitimately divorce her husband. But as long as Christ keeps his
covenant with the church, and as long as the church, by the
omnipotent grace of God, remains the chosen people of Christ, then
the very meaning of marriage will include: What God has
joined, only God can separate.”
(p. 159)
“I pray
that one of the effects of this book will be to make us as a
people profoundly serious about the sacredness of marriage.” (p.
159)
Marriage “is
the work of God, not man, and it does not lie in man’s
prerogative to end it.” (p. 160)
“Let me
say cautiously and seriously: Those who scorn the design of God
and the glory of Christ and build their lives and businesses and
whole industries around making divorce cheap and easy are under
the wrath of God and need to repent and seek his forgiveness
through Christ before it is too late.” (p. 160)
When the
Pharisees question Jesus about the lawfulness of divorce in Mark
10, Jesus asks them what Moses commanded. The Pharisees quote
from Deuteronomy. But Moses also wrote Genesis.
“there
are laws in the Old Testament that are not expressions of God’s
will for all time, but expressions of how best to manage sin in a
particular people at a particular time.” (p. 160)
Divorce is
never commanded or instituted in Old Testament Israel
It was
permitted & regulated, like polygamy & slavery, because of
the hardness of the peoples' hearts
Jesus goes
back to creation and how God created things to be
How does
Jesus handle the tension between Genesis 1-2 and Deuteronomy 24?
“Will the
emphasis fall on the fact that in the church there is still
hardness of heart, or will the emphasis fall on the fact that the
old has passed away and the new has come (2 Cor. 5:17)?” (p.
161)
Three
conclusions from Jesus in Mark 10:8-9
1) verse 8
- “no longer two but one flesh”
Marriage
is a profound union of one flesh
2) verse 9
- “What therefore God has joined together”
This union
of marriage is God's work, not man's
Despite
our actions & decisions & ceremonies, “God is the main
actor in the event of marriage.” (p. 161)
3) verse 9
- “let not man separate”
“If
God
joined the man and woman in marriage, then mere humans
have no right to separate what he joined.” (p. 162)
“Since
God created this sacred union with this sacred purpose to display
the unbreakable firmness of his covenant love for his people, it
simply does not lie within man’s rights to destroy what God
created.” (p. 162)
Jesus says it's not lawful to
divorce because it contradicts the design & meaning of
marriage
“He is calling his followers
to a higher standard than the compromise with hardness of heart
in Deuteronomy.” (p. 162)
“Jesus came not only to
fulfill the law in his own work, he came to take his people to a
radical understanding of the law and a radical obedience to the
law that is not based on law but on himself, and therefore
reflects the fullness of what God wills for us— and especially
reflects the gospel, the covenant-keeping work of Christ at
Calvary for his church. Marriage among Christians is mainly meant
to tell the truth about the gospel—that Christ died for his
church who loves him and never breaks his covenant with his
bride.” (p. 163)
“In essence, Jesus says, “You
have heard that it was said, ‘You are permitted to divorce.’
But I say to you, ‘I have come to conquer the hardness of your
heart. I have come to die for your sins. I have come to count you
as righteous. I have come to show you the drama that marriage was
meant to represent in my sacrificial, covenant-keeping love for my
sinful bride. I have come to give you the power to stay married,
or to stay single, so that either way you keep your promises and
show what my covenant is like and how sacred is the covenant bond
of marriage.’ ” ” (p. 163)
Jesus is blunt in Mark 10,
telling the disciples that remarriage after divorce is adultery
“Keep your marriage vows in
such a way as to tell the truth about the unbreakable covenant
love of Christ.” (p. 164)
So what about those who have
divorced?
“I want to emphasize that what
Jesus says here in Mark 10:10–12 is incredibly good news—even
to those who have been divorced and are remarried. Here’s why:
Jesus says, “Don’t divorce your spouse and marry someone else.
If you do, you’ve committed adultery.” Why is it adultery?
Ultimately, it is adultery because it betrays the truth about
Christ that marriage is meant to display. Jesus never, never does
that to his bride, the church. He never forsakes her. He never
abandons her. He never abuses her. He always loves her. He always
takes her back when she wanders. He always is patient with her. He
always cares for her and provides for her and protects her and,
wonder of wonders, delights in her. And you—you who are married
once, married five times, married never—if you repent and trust
Christ—receive him as the Treasure who bore your punishment and
became your righteousness—you are in the bride. And that is how
he relates to you. “Everyone who believes in him receives
forgiveness of sins through his name” (Acts 10:43).” (p. 164)
“The radical call of Jesus
never to divorce and remarry is a declaration of the gospel by
which people who have failed may be saved. If Christ were not this
way, we would all be undone. But this is how true, how faithful,
how forgiving he is. Therefore, we are saved.” (p. 164)
Chapter 15: What God Has Joined
Together, Let Not Man Separate: The Gospel and the Divorced
Scripture – Matthew 19:3-12
Notes & Quotes
Bonhoeffer: “It is a blessed
thing to know that no power on earth, no temptation, no human
frailty can dissolve what God holds together; indeed, anyone who
knows that may say confidently: What God has joined together, can
no man put asunder.” (quoted on p. 166)
Review from Chapter 14: Two ways
to be compassionate & caring in relation to divorce
1) “come alongside divorced
persons while they grieve and (wherever necessary) repent, and to
stay by them through the painful transitions, and to fold them
into our lives, and to help them find a way to enjoy the
forgiveness and the strength for new kinds of obedience that
Christ has already obtained for them when he died and rose
again.” (p. 167-168)
2) “articulate hatred for
divorce, and why it is against the will of God, and to do all we
can biblically to keep it from happening.” (p. 168)
Divorce makes many people single
again, sometimes against their will
“If we are going to stand for
marriage as the lifelong commitment to one living spouse,
then we must be prepared to love single, divorced people with all
our hearts and homes and families.” (p. 168)
Can a divorced person still
honor his or her marriage vows?
“since God is the one who
decisively makes every marriage, only God has the right to
break a marriage. And he does it by death. Which is why the
traditional and biblical marriage vows have one and only one
limitation: “Till death do us part,” or “As long as we both
shall live.” ” (p. 168-169)
Four pressing biblical &
practical questions
1) “Does death end a marriage
in such a way that it is legitimate for a spouse to remarry?”
(p. 169)
Short answer: Yes
Romans 7:1-3
“Paul says that to divorce
and remarry while your spouse is living is adulterous, but to
remarry after the death of a spouse is not.” (p. 169)
Since there is no marriage in
the resurrection (Matthew 22:30), the end of this life – for
either spouse – ends their marriage
“remarriage after the death
of a spouse is not only legitimate, but it speaks a clear
biblical truth—after death there is no marriage.” (p. 169)
2) “If a divorced person has
already married again, should he or she leave the later
marriage?” (p. 169)
Jesus speaks of this as
adultery – Luke 16:18
“My answer is that
remarriage, while a divorced spouse is still living, is an act
of unfaithfulness to the marriage covenant. In that sense, to
remarry is adultery. We promised, “Till death do us part”
because that is what God says marriage is, and even if our
spouse breaks his or her covenant vows, we will not break ours.”
(p. 170)
This second marriage, though
sinful in its beginning, should not be broken – it is a real
marriage
“I don’t think that a
couple who repents and seeks God’s forgiveness and receives
his cleansing should think of their lives as ongoing adultery,
even though, in the eyes of Jesus, that’s how the relationship
started.” (p. 170)
Three reasons for this view:
1) The language of defilement
in Deuteronomy 24:1-4 of a divorced woman remarrying is similar
to Jesus' language of adultery
“And yet the second
marriage stood. It was defiling in some sense, yet it was
valid.” (p. 170)
2) Jesus implies that all
five of the woman from Samaria's husbands were really husbands
(John 4:18) – they were real marriages
“Not that it’s right to
divorce and marry five times. But the way Jesus speaks of it
sounds as though he saw them as real marriages. Illicit.
Adulterous to enter into, but real. Valid.” (p. 170)
3) “even vows that should
not be made, once they are made, should generally be kept.”
(p. 171)
This isn't absolute in every
situation, but we see this in places such as Joshua's vow to
the Gibeonites in Joshua 9
Psalm 15:4
“it would have been more
in keeping with God’s revealed will not to remarry, but
adding the sin of another covenant-breaking does not please
God more.”
Interesting footnote: “The
imposed divorces of Ezra 10:6ff. are an exception to this
rule that is probably owing to the unique situation of ethnic
Israel under the old covenant living among idolatrous pagan
peoples and breaking God’s law not to intermarry with them.
We know from 1 Corinthians 7:13 and 1 Peter 3:1–6 that the
Christian answer to mixed marriages between a Christian and a
non-Christian is not divorce.” (footnote, p. 171)
“There are marriages in
the church I serve that are second marriages for one or both
partners, which, in my view, should not have happened, but are
today godly marriages—marriages that are clean and holy, and
in which forgiven, justified husbands and wives please God by
the way they relate to each other. As forgiven, cleansed,
Spirit-led followers of Jesus, they are not committing
adultery in their marriages. These marriages began as they
should not have but have become holy.” (p. 171)
3) “If an unbelieving spouse
insists on leaving a believing spouse, what should the believing
spouse do?” (p. 171)
1 Corinthians 7:12-16
Interesting note – where
Paul says, “I, not the Lord,” Piper says: “which I
think means, I don’t have a specific command from the
historical teachings of Jesus, but I am led by his Spirit”
(p. 171)
“marriage is such a holy
union in God’s eyes that a believer, a child of God, is not
defiled by having sexual relations with an enemy of the cross;
and the children are not born with any kind of special
contamination because the father or mother is an enemy of
Christ. They’re not saved by being married to a believer or
born to a believer, but they are set apart for proper and holy
use in the marriage.” (p. 171-172)
A believer should not fight
their unbelieving spouse if they want a divorce
Four reasons Piper thinks “not
enslaved” (1 Corinthians 7:15) does not mean free to remarry:
1) Paul would not have spoken
– and does not speak – of singleness as slavery. He is
saying they are not enslaved to remain in a marriage that an
unbeliever is forsaking.
2) Paul points in the
opposite direction in 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 – to either be
reconciled or remain unmarried
3) 1 Corinthians 7:16 –
Since you don't know if your unbelieving spouse will be saved,
“you can’t use that as an argument to create a fight to
stay married.” (p. 173)
“you are not enslaved to
this marriage when your unbelieving spouse demands out,
because you have no assurance that fighting to stay in will
save him.” (p. 173)
4) 1 Corinthians 7:39
“Paul and Jesus are of one
mind that followers of Jesus are radically devoted to one
husband or one wife as long as they both shall live. This ideal
tells the gospel truth most clearly: Christ died for his bride
and never forsakes her.” (p. 173)
4) “Are there no exceptions
to the prohibition of remarriage while the spouse is living?”
(p. 173)
Piper's answer, though he
admits it's a minority opinion: No.
The “exception clause” of
Matthew 19:3-12 is “the main argument for lawful divorce and
remarriage in cases of adultery.” (p. 173)
Most scholars believe that
Matthew 19:9 means that both divorce & remarriage is allowed
in this case.
But Piper asks, “Is that
what Jesus meant?” (p. 174)
Jesus doesn't say “except
for adultery” but “except for sexual immorality.”
“I think what Jesus is doing
is warning his readers that this absolute prohibition against
remarriage does not apply to the situation of betrothal, where
fornication may have happened.” (p. 174)
Consider the story of Joseph &
Mary in Matthew 1.
“Matthew says that Joseph
was “just” or “righteous” (dikaios) in resolving to
“divorce” Mary. There is no suggestion that Joseph would
have been prohibited from marrying someone after “divorcing”
Mary in this betrothed situation. My conclusion is that in
Matthew 19:9, the inspired apostle is showing us that Jesus’
prohibition of remarriage does not apply to Joseph’s kind of
situation.” (p. 174)
While this view may not be
widely held, it seems to flow from the high view of marriage
that Piper has been speaking of throughout the book, and it also
seems to be consistent with Jesus's teaching elsewhere that
elevates the expectations for Christians – such as elevating
lust & anger to the level of adultery & murder.
“Whether you agree with me
concerning the grounds of divorce and remarriage or not, I pray
that we will all recognize the deepest and highest meaning of
marriage—not sexual intimacy, as good as that is, not
friendship, or mutual helpfulness, or childbearing, or
child-rearing, but the flesh-and-blood display in the world of the
covenant-keeping love between Christ and his church. That is what
I pray you will pursue, in your marriage or your singleness.
Through the gospel God gives us the
power we need to love each other in this covenant-keeping way. We
know this because in Matthew 19:11, after his radical call to
faithfulness in marriage, Jesus said, “Not everyone can receive
this saying, but only those to whom it is given.” It is given to
those who follow Christ. We are not left alone. He is with us to
help us. If we have been sinned against, he will make it right
sooner or later (Rom. 12:19). He will give us the grace to
flourish while we wait. And if we have sinned, he will give the
grace to repent and receive forgiveness and move forward in
radical new obedience.
The gospel of
Christ crucified for our sins is the foundation of our lives.
Marriage exists to display it. And when marriage breaks down, the
gospel is there to forgive and heal and sustain until he comes, or
until he calls.” (p. 175)
Chapter 12: Marriage Is Meant
for Making Children . . . Disciples of Jesus: How Absolute Is the
Duty to Procreate?
Scripture – Ephesians 6:1-4
Questions
How absolute is the duty to
procreate?
Notes & Quotes
Dietrich Bonhoeffer: “Marriage
is more than your love for each other. It has a higher dignity and
power, for it is God’s holy ordinance, through which he wills to
perpetuate the human race till the end of time.” (quoted on p.
136)
Review: “the main meaning of
marriage is to display the covenant-keeping love between Christ
and his church. In other words, marriage was designed by God, most
deeply and most importantly, to be a parable or a drama of the way
Christ loves his church and the way he calls the church to love
him. This is the most important thing for all husbands and wives
to know about the meaning of their marriage.” (p. 137)
“Marriage is a magnificent
thing because it is modeled on something magnificent and points to
something magnificent.” (p. 138)
Having babies is an important,
biblical meaning & purpose of marriage, but it is not the
primary/ultimate meaning or purpose of marriage.
This purpose, of having babies,
is not merely to add to the number of people on the earth, but to
add to the number of disciples of Jesus Christ.
You don't have to have
biological children in order to make children disciples of Christ.
“God’s purpose in making
marriage the place to have children was never merely to fill the
earth with people, but to fill the earth with worshippers of the
true God.” (p. 139)
Piper's goals for this chapter:
1) “to see that God’s
original plan in creation was for men and women to marry and have
children.” (p. 139)
“the meaning of marriage
normally includes, by God’s design, giving birth to children
and raising them in Christ.” (p. 139)
Genesis 1:26-28; Genesis 9:1;
Psalm 127:4-5; Mark 10:13-14
“Marriage is the place for
making children and filling the earth with the knowledge of the
Lord the way the waters cover the sea (cf. Hab. 2:14).” (p.
140)
“from beginning to end, the
Bible puts a huge value on having and raising and blessing
children.” (p. 140)
2) “to see that in the fallen
world we live in, not only is marrying not an absolute calling on
all people (as we have seen), but neither is producing children
in marriage an absolute calling on all couples.” (p. 139)
“while the meaning of
marriage normally includes giving birth to children, this is not
absolute.” (p. 140)
The decision to have children
is analogous to that of getting married
Genesis 2:18; 1 Corinthians
7:7, 26
God's people have different
gifts and different callings; marriage is not absolute.
Having kids is normal and
good, but not absolute.
“Marriage is not absolutely
for making children. But it is absolutely for making children
followers of Jesus.” (p. 141)
Mark 10:29-30
Spiritual influence on
children may be through adoption, foster care, backyard Bible
clubs, hospitality to neighborhood kids, nursery, Sunday
school, in addition to biological children
Romans 9:8
Seek to bring “children of
God” into being
1 Corinthians 4:15; Romans
16:13
“among Christians,
mothering and fathering by procreation is natural and good and
even glorious when Christ is in it. But it is not absolute.
Aiming to bring spiritual children into being is absolute.
Marriage is for making children. Yes. But not absolutely.
Absolutely marriage is for making children followers of Jesus.”
(p. 142)
3) To see “what Ephesians
6:1–4 says about how marriage becomes the means for making
children disciples of Jesus.” (p. 139)
Five observations on Ephesians
6:1-4
1) The father has the leading
(not sole) responsibility in bringing up children. (verse 4)
2) The mother & father
are called to this together (verse 1)
Proverbs 6:20-21; 2 Timothy
1:5; 3:14
3) Unity of father &
mother is important – having the same goal - “the
discipline and instruction of the Lord” (verse 4)
Work out how this unity will
play out in your house
4) “The most fundamental
task of a mother and father is to show God to the children.”
(p. 143)
“Children know their
parents before they know God. This is a huge responsibility
and should cause every parent to be desperate for God-like
transformation.” (p. 143)
“The chief task of
parenting is to know God for who he is in his many
attributes—especially as he has revealed himself in the
person of Jesus and his cross—and then to live in such a way
with our children that we help them see and know this
multi-faceted God. And, of course, that will involve directing
them always to the infallible portrait of God in the Bible.”
(p. 144)
5) “God has ordained that
both mother and father be involved in raising the children
because they are husband and wife before they are mother and
father.” (p. 144)
God's “design is that
children grow up watching Christ love the church and watching
the church delight in following Christ. His design is that the
beauty and strength and wisdom of this covenant relationship
be absorbed by the children from the time they are born.”
(p. 144)
“the deepest meaning of
marriage—displaying the covenant love between Christ and the
church—is underneath this other meaning of marriage—making
children disciples of Jesus. It is all woven together. Good
marriages make good places for children to grow up and see the
glory of Christ’s covenant-keeping love.” (p. 144)
Chapter 13: Marriage Is Meant
for Making Children . . . Disciples of Jesus: The Conquest of Anger
in Father and Child
Scripture – Ephesians 6:1-4
Notes & Quotes
Dietrich Bonhoeffer: “It is
from God that parents receive their children, and it is to God
that they should lead them.” (quoted on p. 146)
Review: “What we saw in the
previous chapter was that this flesh-and-blood drama of the love
between Christ and the church is the God-designed setting for
making children—and for making them disciples of Jesus.” (p.
147)
What is the essence of the
Christian “nest” of child-raising?
“if we are Christians, we say
that the very essence of that nest is the flesh-and-blood drama
created by a husband and a wife living and showing and teaching
the covenant-keeping love between Christ and his church. That
activity is the essence of the nest.” (p. 148)
What is supposed to happen in
this drama of Christ & the church for the sake of the children
within it?
Fathers have the leading (not
sole) responsibility in raising children
This is a natural extension of
his leading responsibility in the marriage
“That is what it means to be a
married man: sacrificial, loving headship in relationship to our
wives, and firm, tender leadership in relationship to the united
task of raising our children in the Lord.” (p. 149)
“What does Ephesians 6:4 call
a father to do?” (p. 149)
Why does Paul focus on anger in
the relationship between fathers and children?
“Why this one? Why not, don’t
discourage them? Or pamper them? Or tempt them to covet or lie or
steal? Why not, don’t abuse them? Or neglect them? Or set a bad
example for them? Or manipulate them?” (p. 150)
Piper's guess, based on what he
knows from Scripture & life:
1) “because anger is the most
common emotion of the sinful heart when it confronts authority.”
(p. 150)
“I think Paul is saying that
there is going to be plenty of anger with the best of parenting,
so make every effort, without compromising your authority or
truth or holiness, to avoid provoking anger.” (p. 150)
2) because anger “devours
almost all other good emotions.” (p. 150)
“It deadens the soul. It
numbs the heart to joy and gratitude and hope and tenderness and
compassion and kindness. So Paul knows that if a dad can help a
child not be overcome by anger, he may unlock his heart to a
dozen other precious emotions that make worship possible and
make relationships sweet.” (p. 150)
Have you ever been angry on
the way to church? Or at church? Do you feel like worshiping
or singing when you're angry?
2 Corinthians 6:11-13
A child's anger is not
necessarily the result of the father's provoking
“The point [of verse 4] is to
warn fathers that there is a huge temptation to say things and do
things and neglect things that will cause legitimately
avoidable anger in our children.” (p. 151)
How can we (especially fathers)
diminish or remove anger in ourselves and our children before it
happens?
“God has never done anything
that should legitimately cause anger in any of his children.”
(p. 151)
Yet we get angry with Him at
times
Yet further still, He has taken
the initiative to overcome our anger & repair the relationship
we have broken
Ephesians 4:31-32
“Our Father is not just
telling us not to be angry; rather, at great cost to himself, he
is overcoming his anger and our anger in the death
of Jesus.” (p. 152)
Ephesians 5:1
“So, fathers, imitate your
heavenly Father. Take initiatives, no matter how painful to you
or how out of character they may feel, to prevent or diminish the
anger of your children.” (p. 152)
Ephesians 6:4
“don’t just stop
doing things that provoke anger; start doing things that
prevent and overcome anger. Start doing things that awaken in the
heart of a child other wonderful emotions so that they are not
devoured by anger—the great emotion eater.”
“The main task in all this is
that you overcome your own anger and replace it with tenderhearted
joy. Joy that spills over onto your children.” (p. 152)
Matthew 12:34
“being the kind of father God
calls us to be means being the kind of Christian and the kind of
husband God calls us to be.” (p. 152)
What is the key to overcoming
anger and replacing it with joy?
“Being a Christian means
receiving forgiveness freely from God for all our failures and all
our anger. It means letting the smile of God in Christ melt the
decades of hard, numbing, emotionless, low-grade anger. And then
we let that healing flow to others. “Let all . . . anger . . .
be put away from you. . . . Be kind to one another, tenderhearted,
forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Eph.
4:31–32). God for- gave you. God has been kind to you. God is
tenderhearted to you. It is all because of Christ. Therefore, in
Christ, by the Spirit, fathers, we can do this. We can put away
anger, and we can forgive, and we can experience and awaken in our
children tenderheartedness with a whole array of precious emotions
that may have been eaten up by anger. Those emotions can live
again. In you. And in your children.” (p. 153)
“God does not call us to do
this before he does it for us. That’s the gospel. Before he
commands us to love the way he does (5:1), he forgives all our
failures to love. Get this, fathers! I am not calling you to love
your children like this so that you will have a Father in
heaven who is for you. It’s the other way around. I am telling
you that God, by the sacrifice and obedience of his Son, Jesus,
through faith alone, has already become totally for you.”
(p. 153)
Romans 8:31
“It is a
beautiful unity: first, marriage as the display of
covenant-keeping love between Christ and his church, and second,
marriage as the place where children taste and see and flourish in
that very Christ-sustained, covenant-keeping love. The two are
one.” (p. 154)
With kids heading back to school, and the Life Group nearing the end of our study of John Piper's This Momentary Marriage, this quote jumped out at me:
“The example the husband sets has eternal consequences. This means headship is more about controlling one’s character than controlling one’s wife. The man who is more concerned with how his wife should obey him than with how he should obey God fails the kindergarten of biblical headship.”~Bryan Chappell, Each for the Other, p. 78
Here are some notes for this week's study of chapter 11 on Faith and Sex from John Piper's This Momentary Marriage:
Chapter 11: Faith and Sex in
Marriage
Scripture – Hebrews 13:4-5
Questions
How can sex proceed from faith?
How does faith impact sex in marriage?
How can the love of money be
like the love of sex?
Notes & Quotes
Dietrich Bonhoeffer: “Even our
bodies belong to Christ and have their part in the life of
discipleship, for they are members of his Body.” (quoted on p.
126)
“God did not make this massive
capacity for pleasure merely to make sure there would be a new
generation.” (p. 127)
“the ultimate meaning of
marital sex is about the final delights between Christ and his
church.” (p. 127)
“Just as the heavens are
telling the glory of God’s power and beauty, so sexual climax is
telling the glory of immeasurable delights that we will have with
Christ in the age to come.” (p. 128)
We cannot imagine the eternal
pleasures that David speaks of in Psalm 16:11 any more than a
toddler can imagine the pleasures of sex
1 Timothy 4:1-3
“Woe to me if I do not
celebrate the gift of sex in marriage.” (p. 128)
In marriage, “We are commanded
to enjoy each other’s bodies.” (p. 128)
Proverbs 5:18-19; Song of
Solomon 1:2
Sex in marriage is the private
scenes of the drama of Christ and the Church, meant to be
witnessed only by the spouses, and God
Money & sex are two big
trouble spots in many marriages, as power & pleasure are
pursued in relation to both
Anything that does not come from
faith is sin (see Romans 14:23)
“Guard sexual relations in
marriage by not doing anything that does not come from faith.”
(p. 129)
How does faith produce sexual
attitudes & actions that are not sin?
“God has made such comforting,
reassuring, hope-inspiring promises in his Word ... that if we
have faith in these promises, we will be content. And contentment
is the antidote to the love of money and the antidote for all
sexual sin.” (p. 130)
“Sin is what you feel and
think and do when you are not taking God at his word and resting
in his promises. So the command of Hebrews 13:4 can be stated like
this: Let your sexual relations be free from any act or attitude
that does not come from faith in God’s word. Or to put it
positively: Have those attitudes and do those acts in your marital
sexual relations that grow out of the contentment that comes from
confidence in God’s promises.” (p. 130)
“If I am content through faith
in God’s promises, why should I even seek sexual gratification
at all?” (p. 130)
1) Maybe you shouldn't seek it,
but should stay single (see chapter 9)
2) “The contentment of faith
does not take [sexual appetite] away any more than it takes away
hunger and weariness.”
“What ... does contentment
mean in relation to ongoing sexual desire?” (p. 130)
1) If the desire is denied by
remaining single, God will provide an added measure of help &
fellowship through faith in Him and His promises
Philippians 4:11-13
“If Paul could learn to be
content in hunger, then we can learn to be content if God
chooses not to give us sexual gratification.” (p. 130)
2) If that desire is offered to
us in marriage, we will seek it and enjoy it only in ways that
reflect our faith in God and His promises.
“while the contentment of
faith does not put an end to our hunger, weariness, or sexual
appetite, it does transform the way we go about satisfying those
desires.” (p. 131)
“Faith doesn’t stop us
from eating, but it stops gluttony; it doesn’t stop sleep, but
it keeps us from being a sluggard. It doesn’t stop sexual
appetite but . . . But what?” (p. 131)
If faith doesn't stop or take
away our sex drive, what does it do?
1) “faith honors the body and
its appetites as God’s good gifts.” (p. 131)
1 Timothy 4:4-5
Sex that proceeds from faith
is not dirty within marriage
2) Faith frees us from the
guilt of the past and increases the joy of sex in marriage
“All of us have committed
sins that, though forgiven, make our present life more
problematic than if we hadn’t committed them.” (p. 132)
“But I don’t want to give
the impression that Christ is powerless against such scars. He
may not remove all the problems that these scars cause us, but
he has promised to work even in all these problems for our good
if we love him and are called according to his purpose (Rom.
8:28).” (p. 132)
“Christ died not only that
in him we might have guilt-free sexual relations in marriage,
but also that he might then, even through our scars, convey to
us some spiritual good.” (p. 132)
3) “faith uses sex against
Satan.” (p. 133)
1 Corinthians 7:3-5; Ephesians
6:16
“Do we guard ourselves from
Satan with the shield of faith or the shield of sex?” (p. 133)
“The answer for married
people is that faith makes use of sexual intercourse as a means
of grace. For the people God leads into marriage, sexual
relations are a God-ordained means of overcoming temptation to
sin (the sin of adultery, the sin of sexual fantasizing, the sin
of pornography). Faith humbly accepts such gifts and offers
thanks.” (p. 133)
Important point in 1 Corinthians
7:3-5 – Paul “does not encourage the husband or wife who wants
sexual gratification to seize it without concern for the other’s
needs. Instead, he urges both husband and wife to always be ready
to give his or her body when the other wants it.” (p. 133-134)
“If it is the joy of each to
make the other happy, a hundred problems will be solved before
they happen.” (p. 134)
In this way, sex is like a
microcosm of the marriage as a whole – finding joy in making
your spouse happy
“Husbands, if it is your joy
to bring her satisfaction, you will be sensitive to what she needs
and wants. … you will find in the long run that it is more
blessed to give than to receive.” (p. 134)
“The goal is to outdo one
another in giving what the other wants (Rom. 12:10). Both of you,
make it your aim to satisfy each other as fully as possible.”
(p. 134)
Questions to think about as to
whether our marriage bed is undefiled – if our sex proceeds from
our faith:
“Does what I am feeling or
doing have its roots in the contentment of faith or in the
anxious insecurity of unbelief?” (p. 135)
“Do my cravings conform to
the contentment of faith or contradict it?” (p. 135)
These questions apply to all
of life
“the impact of faith on three
aspects of sexual relations in marriage.” (p. 135)
1) “faith believes God when
he says that sexual relations in marriage are good and clean and
should be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and
know the truth.” (p. 135)
2) “faith increases the joy
of sexual relations in marriage because it frees us from the
guilt of the past. Faith believes the promise that Christ died
for all our sins, that in him we might have guilt-free,
Christ-exalting sexual relations in marriage.” (p. 135)
3) “faith wields the weapon
of sexual intercourse against Satan. A married couple gives a
severe blow to the head of that ancient serpent when they aim to
give as much sexual satisfaction to each other as possible. Is it
not a mark of amazing grace that on top of all the pleasure that
the sexual side of marriage brings, it also proves to be a
fearsome weapon against our ancient foe?” (p. 135)
“Marriage
at its exquisite peak of pleasure speaks powerfully the truth of
covenant-keeping love between Christ and his church. And that love
is the most powerful force in the world. It is not surprising then
that Satan’s defeat, Christ’s glory, and our pleasure should
come together in this undefiled marriage bed.” (p. 135)
Chapter 9: Single in Christ: A
Name Better Than Sons and Daughters
Scripture – Isaiah 56:1-7
Notes & Quotes
“Why is there a chapter on
singleness in a book on marriage?” (p. 105)
1) To keep us from idolizing
marriage
The point has been made time &
time again that marriage is a picture of Christ and the church.
Anytime you emphasize & repeat something as glorious as
that, it lends itself to idolizing that thing – turning a good
thing into an idol
We need to remember that
Christ is who we should worship, not marriage or our spouse
2) To show single readers a
fuller picture of how singleness & marriage relate to each
other and God's purposes
3) To motivate single &
married people to be part of the family of God that Christ died
to create & which will endure forever
Main point of this chapter: “God
promises those who remain single in Christ blessings that are
better than the blessings of marriage and children” (p. 106)
What truths shine more brightly
through singleness than through marriage?
1) The family of God grows by
regeneration through faith in Christ, not by sexual reproduction
2) Relationships in Christ are
more permanent & precious than relationships in families
3) Marriage is temporary &
gives way to the reality it displays & points to
4) Faithfulness to Christ
defines the value of life – the relationship to Christ is
ultimate & doesn't require marriage or children
Rephrasing of main point: “God
promises spectacular blessings to those of you who remain single
in Christ, and he gives you an extraordinary calling for your
life. To be single in Christ is, therefore, not a falling short of
God’s best, but a path of Christ-exalting, covenant-keeping
obedience that many are called to walk.” (p. 106-107)
Throughout most of the history
of God's people, physical offspring was a huge part of God's
promises & fulfillment. Consider:
God's promise to Adam & Eve
of a son who would crush the serpent's head
God's promise to Abraham &
Sarah of natural born offspring that would outnumber the dust of
the earth
God's promise that it would be
through Isaac that Abraham's offspring would be reckoned (as
opposed to Eliezer of Damascus, possibly Abraham's slave, not his
nephew Lot, not Ishmael)
God becomes known as the God of
Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
Israel becomes identified by
tribes named after Jacob's sons, all the way down to the point
where the apostle Paul says he could boast of being a
Benjaminite.
The promise to David that his
throne would be established forever. From this kingly line
Christ Himself was born.
Physical offspring had
everything to do with inheritance and legacy and perpetuating the
family name
Levirate marriage – where a
man would marry his deceased brother's wife and their first son
would take the name of the deceased brother
Deuteronomy 25:6: “The first
son whom she bears shall succeed to the name of his dead
brother, that his name may not be blotted out of Israel.”
Boaz married Ruth to preserve
the name/line of Elimilech & Mahlon (Ruth 4:10)
Yet in Isaiah, God's promise is
even “without marriage and without children, these
covenant-keeping eunuchs get a name and a memorial better than
sons and daughters.” (p. 109)
“Where did this amazing
promise come from? What’s the basis of it, and what is it
pointing toward?” (p. 109)
Isaiah 53 – the suffering
servant “shall see his offspring”
“Here is a great prophecy:
When the Messiah dies as “an offering for guilt” and rises
again to “prolong his days” forever, he will by that great
saving act produce many children: He will “see his offspring.”
In other words, the new people of God formed by the Messiah will
not be formed by physical procreation but by the atoning death of
Christ.” (p. 109)
How does the New Testament speak
to this promise, this change from physical offspring to spiritual
offspring?
Jesus – John 3:3 – “unless
one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God”
Paul – Galatians 3:7,26 –
“Know then that it is those of faith who are the sons of
Abraham. . . . in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through
faith.”
Peter – 1 Peter 1:3-4 –
“According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born
again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ
from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled,
and unfading, kept in heaven for you”
John – John 1:12-13 – “But
to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the
right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood nor
of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God.”
“Children are born into God’s
family and receive their inheritance not by marriage and
procreation but by faith and regeneration. Which means that
single people in Christ have zero disadvantage in bearing
children for God and may, in some ways, have a great advantage.”
(p. 110)
1 Corinthians 4:15 – Paul was
not married, but was a great father
You can be a great father or
mother and never be married or get pregnant
Marriage & family are
temporary & secondary compared to the eternal & primary
nature of the Church
“being in a human family is no
sign of eternal blessing, but being in God’s family means being
eternally blessed.” (p. 111)
Temporal relationships are not
primary – consider Matthew 12:48-49; Matthew 22:30; Luke
11:27-28; Mark 10:29-30
“Single person, married
person, do you want children, mothers, brothers, sisters, lands?
Renounce the primacy of your natural relationships, and follow
Jesus into the fellowship of the people of God.” (p. 112)
In college, my best friend and
I were both skinny, blond, Scandinavians, and a lot of people
confused us for each other and a lot asked if we were brothers.
Most of the time we'd just laugh and say no. It wasn't until
after college that I started to really learn about what it means
that the Church is the Body of Christ, and the family of God. I
wish I could go back to college and confirm to everyone who asked
that yes, we are brothers. Blood brothers. We were both
redeemed and adopted because of the blood of Christ.
“Jesus approves some of his
followers’ renouncing marriage and sexual activity for the sake
of serving Christ’s kingdom.” – Matthew 19:12; 1
Corinthians 7:8, 32-33, 35
“Someone might ask, wouldn’t
it be better to have both—the blessings of marriage and the
blessings of heaven? There are two answers to that question. One
is that you will find out someday, and better to learn it now,
that the blessings of being with Christ in heaven are so far
superior to the blessings of being married and raising children
that asking this question will be like asking, wouldn’t it be
better to have the ocean and also the thimbleful? But that’s not
the answer you wanted. So here is another one: Marriage and
singleness both present us with unique trials and unique
opportunities for our sanctification—our preparation for heaven.
There will be unique rewards for each. Which is greater will not
depend on whether you were married or single, but on how you
responded to each.” (p. 113)
Four truths that shine brighter
through singleness than marriage (repeated from earlier in the
chapter):
1) “the family of God grows
not by propagation through sexual intercourse, but by
regeneration through faith in Christ” (p. 113)
2) “relationships in Christ
are more permanent, and more precious, than relationships in
families” (p. 113)
3) “marriage is temporary and
finally gives way to the relationship to which it was pointing
all along: Christ and the church—the way a picture is no longer
needed when you see face-to-face” (p. 114)
4) “faithfulness to Christ
defines the value of life; all other relationships get their
final significance from this. No family relationship is ultimate;
relationship to Christ is.” (p. 114)
“Marriage has its unique
potential for magnifying Christ that singleness does not have.
Singleness has its unique potential for magnifying Christ that
marriage does not have. To God be glory in the Christ-exalting
drama of marriage and in the Christ-exalting drama of the single
life.” (p. 114)
Chapter 10: Singleness,
Marriage, and the Christian Virtue of Hospitality
Scripture – 1 Peter 4:7-11
Questions
Why does a chapter on singleness
talk about sex?
How many single friends (or
neighbors, co-workers, relatives) do you & your spouse have?
What do you think of when you
think of stewardship? Do you ever think of stewarding God's
grace?
Notes & Quotes
Dietrich Bonhoeffer – “The
physical presence of other Christians is a source of incomparable
joy and strength to the believer. . . . The prisoner, the sick
person, the Christian in exile sees in the companionship of a
fellow Christian a physical sign of the gracious presence of the
triune God. Visitor and visited in loneliness recognize in each
other the Christ who is present in the body; they receive and meet
each other as one meets the Lord, in reverence, humility, and joy.
. . . It is true, of course that what is an unspeakable gift of
God for the lonely individual is easily disregarded and trodden
under foot by those who have the gift every day.” (quoted on p.
116)
Christ is magnified by married
and single people serving each other
Why didn't God just create us as
angels to praise Him & not be able to speak to each other?
Why didn't He create us to only have a relationship with Him and
no one else? Why did He create the physical world?
“God made bodies and material
things because when they are rightly seen and rightly used, God’s
glory is more fully known and displayed. The heavens are telling
the glory of God (Ps. 19:1). That’s why the physical universe
exists.” (p. 119)
“The material world is not an
end in itself; it is designed to display God’s glory and to
awaken our hearts to know him and value him more.” (p. 119)
Good gifts from God are not to
be idolized, but to be used for our good & joy in ways that
worship Christ and make much of Him – sex, food, all of creation
is good, but it is not God, it is not to be worshiped above the
Creator
1 Timothy 4:1-5
We don't solve the idolatry of
sex & food by mere avoidance
Am I crazy to suggest that as
if we ignore & avoid food, we will die, that so in our
marriages if we ignore & avoid sex, our marriages will
suffer?
“We make sex holy by using it
according to the word of God in Christ-dependent prayer.” (p.
120)
Like everything else God
created, marriage & singleness are both designed, not to be
worshiped, but to display the glory of Christ
“Marriage and celibacy
can be idolatrous. Spouses
can worship each other or worship sex or worship their children or
worship double-income-no-kid buying power. Singles can worship
autonomy and independence. Singles can look on marriage as a
second-class Christian compromise with the sexual drive. Married
people can look upon singleness as a mark of immaturity or
irresponsibility or incompetence.” (p. 120)
There are Christ-exalting ways
to be married & single.
1 Corinthians 7:9 – when a man
marries, “he takes his sexual desire, and he does the same thing
with it that we must all do with all our physical desires
if we would make them means of worship:” (p. 121)
1) “he brings it into
conformity to God’s word” (p. 121)
2) “he subordinates it to a
higher pattern of love and care” (p. 121)
3) “he transposes the music
of physical pleasure into the music of spiritual worship” (p.
121)
4) “he listens for the echoes
of God’s goodness in every nerve” (p. 121)
5) “he seeks to double his
pleasure by making her joy his joy” (p. 121)
6) “he gives thanks to God
from the bottom of his heart because he knows and he feels that
he never deserved one minute of this pleasure.” (p. 121)
1 Peter 4:7-11
Verse 7 – We are in the last
days and Christ could return at any time.
So seek Him in the Word, in
prayer, in His body – the church, so that when He comes He
will not be a stranger
Seek His grace & mercy &
strength to endure these last days
Verse 8 – There is tremendous
stress in the last days
Will this stress ruin our
relationships or will we remain firm in love, exhibited in
forbearance and forgiveness?
Verse 9 – “Love covers much
of what makes us grumble. So hospitality without grumbling is the
calling of Christians in the last days. In the very days when
your stress is high, and there are sins that need covering, and
reasons to grumble abound—in those very days, Peter says, what
we need to do is practice hospitality.” (p. 122)
Because God has opened His
heart to us, we can have open hearts and open our doors to
others in hospitality
1 John 3:16-17
Verse 10 – “... serve one
another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace.”
We usually think of
stewardship in terms of money; and maybe secondarily in terms of
time.
But we are called to be
stewards of God's grace – indeed, all we have, our money,
possessions, time, abilities, etc., are all gifts of God
This flows naturally from the
concept Piper introduced in chapter 3 – of receiving God's
grace (vertically) and bending it out towards others
(horizontally)
“Every Christian is a
steward—a custodian, a manager, a warden, a distributor, a
servant—of God’s varied grace.” (p. 122-123)
Hospitality is an example of
stewardship of time & possessions
2 Corinthians 9:8
“If you are afraid of
hospitality—that you don’t have much personal strength or
personal wealth—good. Then you won’t intimidate anybody. You
will depend all the more on God’s grace. You will look all the
more to the work of Christ and not your own work. And what a
blessing people will get in your simple home or your little
apartment.” (p. 123)
Piper's definition: “the
Christian virtue of hospitality—a Christ-exalting strategy of
love in the last days.” (p. 123)
Applications
1) For everyone – “If you
belong to Christ, if you have by faith received his saving
hospitality, which he paid for with his own blood, then extend
this hospitality to others. Romans 15:7: “Welcome one another
as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God.” You live on
free grace every day. Be a good steward of it in hospitality.”
(p 123)
2) For married couples –
include single people in your hospitality, of all ages &
types – never married, divorced, widowed, young & old,
friends, family, co-workers, brothers & sisters in Christ
When including younger people
in particular, this can be a great opportunity for discipleship
– to show them to some measure what a Christian
marriage/family looks like
3) For single people –
include married couples & families in your hospitality
Life Groups
in general are set up to bring people together around a similar
life stage, which is good. But that shouldn't prevent us from
developing relationships outside of our life stage. Particularly
within the church. What unites us is the most important thing in
all of human history or existence – the gospel of Jesus Christ.
Let our hospitality display God's grace in our lives, and point to
the ultimate family reality that comes through adoption into God's
family.
Chapter 8: The Beautiful Faith
of Fearless Submission
Scripture – 1 Peter 3:1-6;
Colossians 3:18-19
Questions
Wives, if your husband loved,
served, and led you with Christlike wisdom, humility, and grace,
would you be able to submit to him?
How does 1 Peter 3:1-6 compare
to Ephesians 5:22-24?
Are Christian women called to
submit to all men like they are to their husband? Are they only
called to submit to their husband if he is also a Christian?
What characteristics of
Christian womanhood does Peter point out?
Notes & Quotes
Piper says, “I am very eager
that men and women, single and married, old and young, hear this
as a call to something strong and noble and beautiful and
dignified and worthy of a woman’s highest spiritual and moral
efforts.” (p. 95)
What do you think? Did he
succeed?
Women are not called to submit
to all men in the same way as they are to their husbands
Peter couches his call for a
wife's submission to her husband in a larger context of Christian
submission in various contexts.
1 Peter 2:13-17 – Christian
citizens are called to submit to human institutions –
government, IRS, police, etc.
1 Peter 2:18-25 – Christian
servants are called to submit to their masters – similar to
employees & bosses today
“not only to the good and
gentle, but also to the unjust”
Based on the suffering,
submissive example of Christ – v. 21-24
1 Peter 3:1-6 – Christian
wives are called to submit to their husbands – whether they are
believers or unbelievers
1 Peter 3:7 – Christian
husbands called to live with their wives in an understanding
manner, cherishing them as fellow heirs of the grace of life
1 Peter 3:8-12 – Christians
are called to unity & humility – to submit to and sere each
other
“So, as we saw in Ephesians
5, submission is a wider Christian virtue for all of us to
pursue, and it has its unique and fitting expressions in various
relationships.” (p. 96)
Peter's portrait of womanhood
shows us the deep strong roots of womanhood that yield the strong,
beautiful fruit of submission.
1 Peter 3:5 – “holy women
who hoped in God” – Christian wives do not put their hope in
their husbands, or in their looks or intelligence or creativity,
but they put their hope in God and His promises
“She looks away from the
troubles and miseries and obstacles of life that seem to make
the future bleak, and she focuses her attention on the sovereign
power and love of God who rules in heaven and does on earth
whatever he pleases (Ps. 115:3). She knows her Bible, and she
knows her theology of the sovereignty of God, and she knows his
promise that he will be with her and will help her and
strengthen her no matter what. This is the deep, unshakable root
of Christian womanhood.” (p. 97)
1 Peter 3:6 – That hope in
God produces fearlessness
“The presence of hope in the
invincible sovereignty of God drives out fear. Or to say it more
carefully and realistically, the daughters of Sarah fight the
anxiety that rises in their hearts. They wage war on fear, and
they defeat it with hope in the promises of God.” (p. 97)
2 Timothy 3:12; 1 Peter 3:14;
4:19
1 Peter 3:3-5 – This hope in
God the produces fearlessness ultimately gives her inner
tranquility (“the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet
spirit”)
She focuses on the internal
adornment of character rather than the external adornment of
appearance
“Don’t focus your main
attention and effort on how you look on the outside; focus it on
the beauty that is inside. Exert more effort and be more
concerned with inner beauty than outer beauty.” (p. 98)
And finally, this hope in God
that produces a fearlessness in the face of whatever the future
may bring and leads to an inner tranquility and meekness
expresses itself in submissiveness to her husband
1 Peter 3:1 - “Likewise,
wives, be subject to your own husbands.”
1 Peter 3:5 - “This is how
the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by
submitting to their own husbands.”
A summary look back at the
portrait of Christian womanhood Peter has painted:
“Unshakable hope in God.
Courage and fearlessness in
the face of the future.
Quiet tranquillity of soul.
Humble submission to her
husband’s leadership.” (p. 99)
These distinct, complementary
roles between husbands and wives are not cultural leftovers from
an unenlightened society. As we've seen with marriage as a whole,
so also the distinctive gender roles within marriage were part of
God's creation design in Genesis 2. Adam was first created and
given unique authority, responsibility, and stewardship, and Eve
was created to be a helper fit or suitable for him.
Our culture – sometimes even
in the Church – denies, distorts, and misuses the different and
complementary roles of husbands and wives.
“But the truth of headship and
submission is really here and really beautiful. When you see it
lived out with the mark of Christ’s majesty on it—the
mutuality of servanthood without canceling the reality of headship
and submission—it is a wonderful and deeply satisfying drama.”
(p. 99)
Six things submission is not:
1) It's not agreeing with
everything your husband says
In 1 Peter 3:1 Peter accounts
for Christian wives with unbelieving husbands – they
inevitably have different ideas of reality, or worldviews
Clearly the wife is not called
to discard the Christian worldview
2) It's not leaving your brain
or will at the marriage altar
Apparently both the husband
and wife heard the gospel, but responded in different ways –
the woman thought for herself and trusted Christ
Again, clearly the wife is not
called to retreat from her commitment to Christ
3) It's not avoiding every
effort to change your husband
Submission is sometimes
actually a strategy for changing him
4) It's not putting the
husband's will above Christ's
“Submission to Jesus
relativizes submission to husbands—and governments and
employers and parents.” (p. 100)
5) It doesn't mean the wife
gets spiritual strength primarily from her husband
A good, believing husband
should be a source of this strength
Even without the husband's
spiritual leadership, the wife may be strengthened in faith &
virtue & character – this is not from her husband,
but for her husband – that he, too, may come to faith
6) It's not acting out of fear
Submission is free, not
coerced
What submission is
Piper's definition, repeated
from chapter 6
“submission is the divine
calling of a wife to honor and affirm her husband’s leadership
and help carry it through according to her gifts.” (p.
101)
The attitude of submission
says, “I delight for you to take the initiative in our family.
I am glad when you take responsibility for things and lead with
love. I don’t flourish in the relationship when you are passive
and I have to make sure the family works.” (p. 101)
What does submission mean when
a husband is leading his wife into sin?
It says, “It grieves me when
you venture into sinful acts and want to take me with you. You
know I can’t do that. I have no desire to resist you. On the
contrary, I flourish most when I can respond joyfully to your
lead; but I can’t follow you into sin, as much as I love to
honor your leadership in our marriage. Christ is my King.” (p.
102)
A wife can & should
“submissively” & humbly share their concerns about their
husband's leadership
How/why can disagreement and
sharing concerns over a husband's leadership be an act of
submission?
1) Husbands are fallible
(unlike Christ) and ought to admit it
2) Husbands should want their
wives to be excited & willingly follow their leadership, not
begrudgingly (as the Church should follow Christ)
3) It can be done in a way
that endorses leadership & affirms headship
4) Even after questioning &
discussion, if there's still disagreement, the wife can still
defer to the husband's decision
“So I end this chapter with
the reminder that marriage is not mainly about staying in love.
It’s about covenant-keeping. And the main reason it is about
covenant-keeping is that God designed the relationship between a
husband and his wife to represent the relationship between Christ
and the church. This is the deepest meaning of marriage. And that
is why ultimately the roles of headship and submission are so
important. If our marriages are going to tell the truth about
Christ and his church, we cannot be indifferent to the meaning of
headship and submission. And let it not go unsaid that God’s
purpose for the church—and for the Christian wife who represents
it—is her everlasting, holy joy. Christ died for her to bring
that about.” (p. 102-103)
Chapter 6: Lionhearted and
Lamblike—The Christian Husband as Head: Foundations of Headship
Scripture – Ephesians 5:21-33
Questions
What does the Bible mean when it
says that the husband is the head of the wife?
How does marriage being a
picture of Christ and the Church speak to the roles of a husband
and wife?
Notes & Quotes
Dietrich Bonhoeffer: “The
dignity that is here ascribed to the man lies, not in any
capacities or qualities of his work but in the office conferred on
him by his marriage. The wife should see her husband clothed in
this dignity. But for him it is supreme responsibility.” (quoted
on p. 72)
Similar to respecting the office
of the President; you don't have to respect the person in order to
respect the position, authority, and leadership of the office
Christ is both Lion and Lamb
(Revelation 5:5-6), “strong and meek, tough and tender,
aggressive and responsive, bold and brokenhearted. He sets the
pattern for manhood.” (p. 73-74)
What does it mean for a married
man to be the head of his wife and his home?
We need to know this for two
reasons:
1) “We need to know what the
Bible means by this statement so that we can exult in it and
obey.” (p. 74)
2) To recover Biblical manhood
and restore Christ-exalting family structure – to
restore/repair/prevent broken families & a world marred by
them
Review: “staying married is
not mainly about staying in love, but about keeping covenant.”
(p. 74)
“Keeping first things first
makes second things better.” (p. 74) – staying in love is the
overflow of covenant-keeping in marriage
Headship and submission are
built on the foundation of the gospel of grace
Why is the one-flesh union
spoken of in Genesis 2:24 a mystery?
Mystery – not that it can't
be understood, but it's a hidden purpose of God that is now
revealed to us
The meaning of marriage has
been hinted at, but now the shadows have been illuminated to see
that it refers to Christ and the Church
“The marriage union is a
mystery, he says, because its deepest meaning has been concealed
by God during the Old Testament history but is now being openly
revealed by the apostle, namely, that marriage is an image of
Christ and the church.” (p. 75)
As Christ and the Church are one
body, the husband and wife are one flesh
What the husband does for the
wife, he ultimately does for himself – what's good for her is
good for him
“When the husband cherishes
and nourishes his wife, he cherishes and nourishes himself; and
when Christ cherishes and nourishes the church, he cherishes and
nourishes himself.” (p. 76)
Geoffrey Bromiley: “As
God made man in His own image, so He made earthly marriage in the
image of His own eternal marriage with His people.” (quoted on
p. 76)
One part of the mystery is that
husband and wife have distinct roles
Matthew Henry on Genesis
2:22-24: “the woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam;
not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to
be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him,
under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved.” (Genesis to Deuteronomy, Matthew Henry's Commentary Vol. 1
(Peabody: Hendrickson Publishers, 2006), 16)
What is an egalitarian? One who
believes in complete equality between men & women – no
distinction of roles, reject the idea of male leadership in the
home
Ephesians 5:21 – all of us as
believers in Christ are called to humble ourselves and submit to
each other, serving one another in love – this includes husbands
and wives, who are to humble themselves and submit in service to
each other
What distinguishes the role of
husbands and wives?
Ephesians 5:22-33 distinguishes
the different ways in which husbands and wives are to serve each
other
“You don’t need to deny
mutual submission to affirm the importance of the unique role of
the husband as head and the unique calling of the wife to submit
to that headship.” (p. 78)
John 13:1-20 – Jesus washes
his disciples' feet. Are we to think that the disciples were
uncertain as to the leadership of Christ?
“Servanthood does not nullify
leadership; it defines it.” (p. 78)
“What are the positive,
practical implications of being called head that give man
his distinct role in marriage?”
“It is not enough to say, “Serve
one another.” That is true of Christ and his church—they serve
each other. But they do not serve each other in all the
same ways. Christ is Christ. We are the church. To confuse the
distinctions would be doctrinally and spiritually devastating. So
also the man is the Christ-portraying husband, and the woman is
the church-portraying wife. And to confuse these God-intended
distinctions, or to abandon them, results in more disillusionment
and more divorce and more devastation.” (p. 79)
To deny Biblical headship of the
husband is to deny Christ's headship of the Church.
How does sin affect headship and
submission? Is headship and submission a result of sin – of the
Fall in Genesis 3?
Headship & submission were
part of creation – the man is created first and given the moral
pattern – the command to not eat from the tree of the knowledge
of good & evil; the man is interrogated first even though Eve
was the first to eat of the fruit; even the fact that Satan came
to tempt Eve instead of Adam – he's trying to overthrow the
order that God had created
Sin twists the roles of
headship & submission, particularly in a couple of ways for
both husband and wife
Husband/headship – sin
destroyed humble, loving, sacrificial headship
1) headship exercised
harshly, in a domineering, abusive dictatorial kind of way
Wife/submission – sin
destroyed willing, happy, creative, articulate submission
1) manipulative groveling,
caricature of helplessness – obsequiousness – willingness
to mindlessly do anything you're told; slavish compliance
2) brazen, rebellious,
insubordinate, stark, uppity feminism - “nobody's opening the
door for me!”
“Sin didn’t create
headship and submission; it ruined them and distorted them and
made them ugly and destructive.” (p. 79, emphasis added)
This is what sin does with
everything – it takes good things and ruins & distorts them
“Wives, let your fallen
submission be redeemed by modeling it after God’s intention for
the church! Husbands, let your fallen headship be redeemed by
modeling it after God’s intention for Christ!” (p. 80)
Headship is not a right to
control your wife – Christ's sacrifice is our pattern; rather
it's a responsibility to lead, protect, provide for, love &
serve our wife as Christ loved & served us – giving His life
for us
Submission is not being a
doormat, or slavery or cowering in fear – it's a willing
submission to the leadership of one who leads in loving,
sacrificial service
“Headship is the divine
calling of a husband to take primary responsibility for
Christlike, servant leadership, protection, and provision in the
home.” (p. 80)
“Submission is the
divine calling of a wife to honor and affirm her husband’s
leadership and help carry it through according to her gifts.”
(p. 80)
Chapter 7: Lionhearted and
Lamblike—The Christian Husband as Head: What Does It Mean to Lead?
Scripture – Ephesians 5:21-33
Questions
What are some ways a husband
protects or provides for his wife/family?
What are some dangers for a
husband exercising headship?
Notes & Quotes
Dietrich Bonhoeffer: “it
is a divine ordinance when the wife honors the husband for his
office’s sake, and when the husband properly performs the duties
of his office..” (quoted on p. 82)
The responsibility of leadership
for the husband is great, but it's the role God has created for
him – should we doubt that God will show the husband the grace
to lead? So while the bad news is that we are unworthy of this
role, and inadequate to fill it in and of ourselves, the good news
is that God – through the work of Christ, His Word, and the
power of the Spirit – gives us what we need to serve in our
God-given role
The husband takes his cue for
leadership from Christ
The husband bears the unique
responsibility for leadership in the marriage
“Headship is the divine
calling of a husband to take primary responsibility for
Christlike, servant leadership, protection, and provision in the
home.” (p. 84)
The husband's leadership is
expressed through protection & provision
Four arguments for why the word
“head” in Ephesians 5:23 means leadership
1) “Head” is used for
leaders in the Old Testament
2) Christ is head over the
Church – He leads by His rule & authority
Ephesians 1:21-23
3) Christ took the initiative
(not the Church) in providing for the Church's salvation and
sanctification by suffering and dying for her
Ephesians 5:25
“This is leadership of the
most exalted kind. But it is servant leadership. Christ is
taking the lead to save his bride, and he is doing it by
suffering and dying for her.” (p. 85)
Christ's leadership set an
example of suffering for love's sake (Matthew 16:24)
“leadership is not mainly
a right and privilege, but a burden and a responsibility.”
(p. 85, emphasis added)
4) the concept of submission
implies that headship is leadership
Ephesians 5:22-23
“When the ground of the
wife’s submission is expressed as the headship of the husband,
it is clear that headship involves the kind of leadership that a
woman can affirm and honor.” (p. 85)
Leadership as Protection
Ephesians 5:25-27; see also 1
Peter 2:24; Galatians 3:13; Romans 5:8, 10
Husband should protect his wife
at all costs, including his own comfort & desires, and
especially his own life
Leadership as Provision
Ephesians 5:28-29 – the
husband is to nourish & cherish his wife
Nourish – as a caring
provider – Genesis 45:11 – provide – husband sees to it
that his wife's (& children's) needs are met
Cherish – taking care of his
wife, even as his own body (the “one flesh” idea we've talked
about before) – 1 Thessalonians 2:7 – tender care, as of a
mother
“Without protection and
provision, life itself is threatened. … if a husband fails in
his leadership here, there may not be any other place to exercise
it.” (p. 87)
Protection & provision both
have physical & spiritual meanings - “virtually everything a
husband is called upon to do in his leadership is summed up in one
of these four ways:” (p. 88)
1) physical provision – food
& shelter
2) spiritual provision – the
Word of God, spiritual guidance, instruction, encouragement
3) physical protection – from
natural disasters, disease, intruders
4) spiritual protection –
prayer, warnings, keeping bad influences out of the home
Encouragement
to men: while this may sound overwhelming, “Christ does not call
you to do what he won’t empower you to do.” (p. 88)
What God
demands, He supplies.
“Leadership
is hard. But you’re a man. If your father never taught you how
to lead, your heavenly Father will.” (p. 88)
Caution to
women: do not demand leadership from your husband, for the
following reasons (and maybe more):
1) If
you're the demander, he's not the leader
Think of
the man to whom Jesus told the parable of the rich fool, who
told Jesus to tell his brother to split his inheritance (the man
appealed to Jesus' authority, but was acting in a way that
showed he thought he had authority over Jesus)
2)
Demanding is counterproductive – it crushes your husband's will
to lead
3) True
Christlike servant leadership comes from the Spirit & Word of
God working inside the husband
Women,
instead of demanding:
1) Pray for
him – that God would work to bring out his manhood, his servant
leadership
2)
Diplomatically ask to speak about your desires – when neither
of you are tired or angry; express appreciation & honor for
ways he does lead
Examples &
Explanations:
1)
Leadership in Spiritual Provision
Immerse
yourself in the Word – it's hard to lead with something you
don't have
Family
devotions/prayer/worship/Bible time of some sort
What do you
do to lead your family spiritually?
Seek your
wife's supporting & helping input & gifts – “headship
takes primary responsibility, not sole
responsibility.” (p. 89)
“Leadership
does not assume it is superior. It assumes it should take
initiative.” (p. 89)
Take the
family to church regularly
Deuteronomy
6:4-9 – speak of spiritual & moral & biblical issues
often
Lead by
example – 1 Cor 4:15-17; 11:1; Phil 3:17; 4:9; 2 Thessalonians
3:7-9; 2 Tim 3:10-11; 4:12; Titus 2:7-8
2)
Leadership in Physical Provision
Husband
bears primary (again, not sole) responsibility to provide
“In all
of history this has been the case—both the man and the woman
work. But their normal spheres of work are man: breadwinner;
wife: domestic manager, designer, nurturer.” (p. 90)
“a man
compromises his own soul and sends the wrong message to his wife
and children when he does not position himself as the one who
lays down his life to put bread on the table.” (p. 90)
3)
Leadership in Spiritual Protection
We need
warriors – not with swords or spears or guns, but with biblical
discernment and courage
Pray for
your family – that they would not be led into temptation, but
be delivered from evil – pray the prayers of scripture for them
Set
standards for your family – work with your wife to set them
What kind
of standards/limits will you & your family have for TV,
movies, music, clothing
Again, we
bear primary responsibility, not sole responsibility; God has
given us wives to help us – do not frustrate them with a lack
of leadership initiative, but seek their help
“Dad has
a crucial role in defining the modesty of his daughter’s
clothing. Yes, mom is the key player here in helping a young
woman learn the meaning of modesty and beauty. But dad’s role
is indispensable both in celebrating what they look like and
telling them when the way they dress means what they don’t
think it means. Dads know exactly what I mean. What you need here
is courage. Don’t be afraid here. This is your daughter, and
she must hear from you what she is saying to men with her
clothes.” (p. 90-91)
“What
kind of bathing suit do you put on your little two-year-old? Is
it a cute little bikini? Or do you begin from the very start to
teach this little girl that there is an appropriate way to dress?
Are you preparing her so that by the time she is seven, eleven,
or fifteen her whole mindset is, I dress appropriately, modestly,
and not to entice or flaunt?” - from
http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/ask-pastor-john/is-modesty-an-issue-in-the-church-today
(from Nov. 19, 2007)
Ephesians
4:26-27
“Leadership
means we must take the lead in reconciliation.” (p. 91)
Christ took
the initiative to make all things new; to come back to Peter
after his denials; to forgive us again & again
“woe to
you if you think that since it’s her fault, she’s obliged to
say the first reconciling word. Headship is not easy. It is the
hardest, most humbling work in the world. Protect your family.
Strive, as much as it lies within you, to make peace before the
sun goes down.” (p. 91)
4)
Leadership in Physical Protection
“This is
too obvious to need illustration—I wish. If there is a sound
downstairs during the night and it might be a burglar, you don’t
say to her, “This is an egalitarian marriage, so it’s your
turn to go check it out. I went last time.” And I mean
that—even if your wife has a black belt in karate. After you’ve
tried to deter him, she may finish off the burglar with one good
kick to the solar plexus. But you’d better be unconscious on
the floor, or you’re no man. That’s written on your soul,
brother, by God Almighty. Big or little, strong or weak, night or
day, you go up against the enemy first. Woe to the husbands—and
woe to the nation— that send their women to fight their
battles.” (p. 91-92)
“When a
man joyfully bears the primary God-given responsibility for
Christlike, servant leadership and provision and protection in the
home—for the spiritual well-being of the family, for the
discipline and education of the children, for the stewardship of
money, for the holding of a steady job, for the healing of
discord—I have never met a wife who is sorry she married such a
man. Because when God designs a thing (like marriage), he designs
it for his glory and our good.” (p. 92)
Wives, if
your husband loved, served, and led you with Christlike wisdom,
humility, and grace, would you be able to submit to him? Then you
can submit to your husband for at least two reasons:
1)
Submitting to your husband is an extension of and fruit of your
submission to Christ
2) If your
husband is in Christ, he is justified by faith, and is being
sanctified – he is being conformed to that very image of
Christlikeness, and your submission to his failed attempts at
leading you are ways in which God is sanctifying both of you
Wives, pray
for your husband. Encourage him. This is a great responsibility
we bear, and we cannot bear it without your help. You are God's
gift to us to help us, to help us grow and help us lead. When we
know you're standing with us, we are more likely to lead well.
