This Momentary Marriage - Week 7

Here are some notes for this week's study of chapter 11 on Faith and Sex from John Piper's This Momentary Marriage:

• Chapter 11: Faith and Sex in Marriage
  • Scripture – Hebrews 13:4-5
  • Questions
    • How can sex proceed from faith? How does faith impact sex in marriage?
    • How can the love of money be like the love of sex?
  • Notes & Quotes
    • Dietrich Bonhoeffer: “Even our bodies belong to Christ and have their part in the life of discipleship, for they are members of his Body.” (quoted on p. 126)
    • “God did not make this massive capacity for pleasure merely to make sure there would be a new generation.” (p. 127)
    • “the ultimate meaning of marital sex is about the final delights between Christ and his church.” (p. 127)
    • “Just as the heavens are telling the glory of God’s power and beauty, so sexual climax is telling the glory of immeasurable delights that we will have with Christ in the age to come.” (p. 128)
    • We cannot imagine the eternal pleasures that David speaks of in Psalm 16:11 any more than a toddler can imagine the pleasures of sex
    • 1 Timothy 4:1-3
    • “Woe to me if I do not celebrate the gift of sex in marriage.” (p. 128)
    • In marriage, “We are commanded to enjoy each other’s bodies.” (p. 128)
      • Proverbs 5:18-19; Song of Solomon 1:2
    • Sex in marriage is the private scenes of the drama of Christ and the Church, meant to be witnessed only by the spouses, and God
    • Money & sex are two big trouble spots in many marriages, as power & pleasure are pursued in relation to both
    • Anything that does not come from faith is sin (see Romans 14:23)
    • “Guard sexual relations in marriage by not doing anything that does not come from faith.” (p. 129)
    • How does faith produce sexual attitudes & actions that are not sin?
    • “God has made such comforting, reassuring, hope-inspiring promises in his Word ... that if we have faith in these promises, we will be content. And contentment is the antidote to the love of money and the antidote for all sexual sin.” (p. 130)
    • “Sin is what you feel and think and do when you are not taking God at his word and resting in his promises. So the command of Hebrews 13:4 can be stated like this: Let your sexual relations be free from any act or attitude that does not come from faith in God’s word. Or to put it positively: Have those attitudes and do those acts in your marital sexual relations that grow out of the contentment that comes from confidence in God’s promises.” (p. 130)
    • “If I am content through faith in God’s promises, why should I even seek sexual gratification at all?” (p. 130)
      • 1) Maybe you shouldn't seek it, but should stay single (see chapter 9)
      • 2) “The contentment of faith does not take [sexual appetite] away any more than it takes away hunger and weariness.”
    • “What ... does contentment mean in relation to ongoing sexual desire?” (p. 130)
      • 1) If the desire is denied by remaining single, God will provide an added measure of help & fellowship through faith in Him and His promises
        • Philippians 4:11-13
        • “If Paul could learn to be content in hunger, then we can learn to be content if God chooses not to give us sexual gratification.” (p. 130)
      • 2) If that desire is offered to us in marriage, we will seek it and enjoy it only in ways that reflect our faith in God and His promises.
        • “while the contentment of faith does not put an end to our hunger, weariness, or sexual appetite, it does transform the way we go about satisfying those desires.” (p. 131)
        • “Faith doesn’t stop us from eating, but it stops gluttony; it doesn’t stop sleep, but it keeps us from being a sluggard. It doesn’t stop sexual appetite but . . . But what?” (p. 131)
    • If faith doesn't stop or take away our sex drive, what does it do?
      • 1) “faith honors the body and its appetites as God’s good gifts.” (p. 131)
        • 1 Timothy 4:4-5
        • Sex that proceeds from faith is not dirty within marriage
      • 2) Faith frees us from the guilt of the past and increases the joy of sex in marriage
        • “All of us have committed sins that, though forgiven, make our present life more problematic than if we hadn’t committed them.” (p. 132)
        • “But I don’t want to give the impression that Christ is powerless against such scars. He may not remove all the problems that these scars cause us, but he has promised to work even in all these problems for our good if we love him and are called according to his purpose (Rom. 8:28).” (p. 132)
        • “Christ died not only that in him we might have guilt-free sexual relations in marriage, but also that he might then, even through our scars, convey to us some spiritual good.” (p. 132)
      • 3) “faith uses sex against Satan.” (p. 133)
        • 1 Corinthians 7:3-5; Ephesians 6:16
        • “Do we guard ourselves from Satan with the shield of faith or the shield of sex?” (p. 133)
        • “The answer for married people is that faith makes use of sexual intercourse as a means of grace. For the people God leads into marriage, sexual relations are a God-ordained means of overcoming temptation to sin (the sin of adultery, the sin of sexual fantasizing, the sin of pornography). Faith humbly accepts such gifts and offers thanks.” (p. 133)
    • Important point in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 – Paul “does not encourage the husband or wife who wants sexual gratification to seize it without concern for the other’s needs. Instead, he urges both husband and wife to always be ready to give his or her body when the other wants it.” (p. 133-134)
    • “If it is the joy of each to make the other happy, a hundred problems will be solved before they happen.” (p. 134)
      • In this way, sex is like a microcosm of the marriage as a whole – finding joy in making your spouse happy
    • “Husbands, if it is your joy to bring her satisfaction, you will be sensitive to what she needs and wants. … you will find in the long run that it is more blessed to give than to receive.” (p. 134)
    • “The goal is to outdo one another in giving what the other wants (Rom. 12:10). Both of you, make it your aim to satisfy each other as fully as possible.” (p. 134)
    • Questions to think about as to whether our marriage bed is undefiled – if our sex proceeds from our faith:
      • “Does what I am feeling or doing have its roots in the contentment of faith or in the anxious insecurity of unbelief?” (p. 135)
      • “Do my cravings conform to the contentment of faith or contradict it?” (p. 135)
        • These questions apply to all of life
    • “the impact of faith on three aspects of sexual relations in marriage.” (p. 135)
      • 1) “faith believes God when he says that sexual relations in marriage are good and clean and should be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and know the truth.” (p. 135)
      • 2) “faith increases the joy of sexual relations in marriage because it frees us from the guilt of the past. Faith believes the promise that Christ died for all our sins, that in him we might have guilt-free, Christ-exalting sexual relations in marriage.” (p. 135)
      • 3) “faith wields the weapon of sexual intercourse against Satan. A married couple gives a severe blow to the head of that ancient serpent when they aim to give as much sexual satisfaction to each other as possible. Is it not a mark of amazing grace that on top of all the pleasure that the sexual side of marriage brings, it also proves to be a fearsome weapon against our ancient foe?” (p. 135)
    • “Marriage at its exquisite peak of pleasure speaks powerfully the truth of covenant-keeping love between Christ and his church. And that love is the most powerful force in the world. It is not surprising then that Satan’s defeat, Christ’s glory, and our pleasure should come together in this undefiled marriage bed.” (p. 135)

Don't Waste Your Life

Here's the song I referenced this morning in class.  The line that stood out to me as I was thinking about being stewards of God's varied grace (1 Peter 4:10) was this: "See your money, your singleness, marriage, talents, your time / they were loaned to you to show the world that Christ is Divine."  Below the video are the lyrics I tried to gather online & edit as I listened.

(RSS/Email subscribers may need to click through to see the video)

I know a lot of people that are scared they gonna die
couple of 'em thinking they’ll be livin’ in the sky
but while I’m here livin’ man I gotta ask why, what am here fo I gotta figure out
waste my life
no I gotta make it count
if Christ is real then what am I gonna do about
everything in Luke 12:15 down to 21
you really oughta go and check it out
Paul said if Christ ain’t resurrected we wastin' our lives
well that implies that our life’s built around Jesus being alive
everyday I’m living tryin’ show the world why
Christ is more than everything you’ll ever try
better than pretty women and sinning and living to get a minute of any women and men that you admire
it ain’t no lie
We created for Him
outta the dust he made us for Him
Elects us and he saves us for Him
Jesus comes and He raises for Him
Magnify the Father why bother with something lesser
He made us so we could bless Him and to the world we confess Him
resurrects Him
so I know I got life
matter fact better man I know I got Christ
if you don’t see His ways in my days and nights
you can hit my brakes you can stop my lights
man I lost my rights
I lost my life
forget the money cars and toss that ice
the cost is Christ
and they could never offer me anything on the planet that’ll cost that price.


Suffer
Yeah do it for Christ if you trying to figure what to do with your life
if you making a lot money hope you doing it right because the money is Gods you better steward it right
stay focused if you ain’t got no ride
your life ain’t wrapped up in what you drive
the clothes you wear the job you work
the color your skin naw you Christian first
people get their living for a job
make a little money start living for a car
get em a wife a house kids and a dog
when they retire they living high on the hog
but guess what they didn’t ever really live at all
to live is Christ and that’s Paul I recall
to die is gain so for Christ we give it all
he’s the treasure you’ll never find in the mall
See your money your singleness marriage talents your time
they were loaned to you to show the world that Christ is Divine
that’s why it’s Christ in my rhyme
That’s why it’s Christ all the time
see my whole world is built around him He’s the life in my lines
I refused to waste my life
he’s too true to chase that ice
here’s my gifts and time cause I’m constantly trying to be used to praise the Christ
If he’s truly raised to life
then this news should change your life
and by his grace you can put your faith in the place that rules your days and nights.

This Momentary Marriage - Week 6

Here are some notes from chapters 9 & 10 of John Piper's This Momentary Marriage:

• Chapter 9: Single in Christ: A Name Better Than Sons and Daughters
  • Scripture – Isaiah 56:1-7
  • Notes & Quotes
    • “Why is there a chapter on singleness in a book on marriage?” (p. 105)
      • 1) To keep us from idolizing marriage
        • The point has been made time & time again that marriage is a picture of Christ and the church. Anytime you emphasize & repeat something as glorious as that, it lends itself to idolizing that thing – turning a good thing into an idol
        • We need to remember that Christ is who we should worship, not marriage or our spouse
      • 2) To show single readers a fuller picture of how singleness & marriage relate to each other and God's purposes
      • 3) To motivate single & married people to be part of the family of God that Christ died to create & which will endure forever
    • Main point of this chapter: “God promises those who remain single in Christ blessings that are better than the blessings of marriage and children” (p. 106)
    • What truths shine more brightly through singleness than through marriage?
      • 1) The family of God grows by regeneration through faith in Christ, not by sexual reproduction
      • 2) Relationships in Christ are more permanent & precious than relationships in families
      • 3) Marriage is temporary & gives way to the reality it displays & points to
      • 4) Faithfulness to Christ defines the value of life – the relationship to Christ is ultimate & doesn't require marriage or children
    • Rephrasing of main point: “God promises spectacular blessings to those of you who remain single in Christ, and he gives you an extraordinary calling for your life. To be single in Christ is, therefore, not a falling short of God’s best, but a path of Christ-exalting, covenant-keeping obedience that many are called to walk.” (p. 106-107)
    • Throughout most of the history of God's people, physical offspring was a huge part of God's promises & fulfillment. Consider:
      • God's promise to Adam & Eve of a son who would crush the serpent's head
      • God's promise to Abraham & Sarah of natural born offspring that would outnumber the dust of the earth
      • God's promise that it would be through Isaac that Abraham's offspring would be reckoned (as opposed to Eliezer of Damascus, possibly Abraham's slave, not his nephew Lot, not Ishmael)
      • God becomes known as the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
      • Israel becomes identified by tribes named after Jacob's sons, all the way down to the point where the apostle Paul says he could boast of being a Benjaminite.
      • The promise to David that his throne would be established forever. From this kingly line Christ Himself was born.
      • Physical offspring had everything to do with inheritance and legacy and perpetuating the family name
        • Levirate marriage – where a man would marry his deceased brother's wife and their first son would take the name of the deceased brother
        • Deuteronomy 25:6: “The first son whom she bears shall succeed to the name of his dead brother, that his name may not be blotted out of Israel.”
        • Boaz married Ruth to preserve the name/line of Elimilech & Mahlon (Ruth 4:10)
    • Yet in Isaiah, God's promise is even “without marriage and without children, these covenant-keeping eunuchs get a name and a memorial better than sons and daughters.” (p. 109)
    • “Where did this amazing promise come from? What’s the basis of it, and what is it pointing toward?” (p. 109)
      • Isaiah 53 – the suffering servant “shall see his offspring”
      • “Here is a great prophecy: When the Messiah dies as “an offering for guilt” and rises again to “prolong his days” forever, he will by that great saving act produce many children: He will “see his offspring.” In other words, the new people of God formed by the Messiah will not be formed by physical procreation but by the atoning death of Christ.” (p. 109)
    • How does the New Testament speak to this promise, this change from physical offspring to spiritual offspring?
      • Jesus – John 3:3 – “unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God”
      • Paul – Galatians 3:7,26 – “Know then that it is those of faith who are the sons of Abraham. . . . in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith.”
      • Peter – 1 Peter 1:3-4 – “According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you”
      • John – John 1:12-13 – “But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God.”
      • “Children are born into God’s family and receive their inheritance not by marriage and procreation but by faith and regeneration. Which means that single people in Christ have zero disadvantage in bearing children for God and may, in some ways, have a great advantage.” (p. 110)
      • 1 Corinthians 4:15 – Paul was not married, but was a great father
      • You can be a great father or mother and never be married or get pregnant
    • Marriage & family are temporary & secondary compared to the eternal & primary nature of the Church
    • “being in a human family is no sign of eternal blessing, but being in God’s family means being eternally blessed.” (p. 111)
    • Temporal relationships are not primary – consider Matthew 12:48-49; Matthew 22:30; Luke 11:27-28; Mark 10:29-30
    • “Single person, married person, do you want children, mothers, brothers, sisters, lands? Renounce the primacy of your natural relationships, and follow Jesus into the fellowship of the people of God.” (p. 112)
      • In college, my best friend and I were both skinny, blond, Scandinavians, and a lot of people confused us for each other and a lot asked if we were brothers. Most of the time we'd just laugh and say no. It wasn't until after college that I started to really learn about what it means that the Church is the Body of Christ, and the family of God. I wish I could go back to college and confirm to everyone who asked that yes, we are brothers. Blood brothers. We were both redeemed and adopted because of the blood of Christ.
    • “Jesus approves some of his followers’ renouncing marriage and sexual activity for the sake of serving Christ’s kingdom.” – Matthew 19:12; 1 Corinthians 7:8, 32-33, 35
    • “Someone might ask, wouldn’t it be better to have both—the blessings of marriage and the blessings of heaven? There are two answers to that question. One is that you will find out someday, and better to learn it now, that the blessings of being with Christ in heaven are so far superior to the blessings of being married and raising children that asking this question will be like asking, wouldn’t it be better to have the ocean and also the thimbleful? But that’s not the answer you wanted. So here is another one: Marriage and singleness both present us with unique trials and unique opportunities for our sanctification—our preparation for heaven. There will be unique rewards for each. Which is greater will not depend on whether you were married or single, but on how you responded to each.” (p. 113)
    • Four truths that shine brighter through singleness than marriage (repeated from earlier in the chapter):
      • 1) “the family of God grows not by propagation through sexual intercourse, but by regeneration through faith in Christ” (p. 113)
      • 2) “relationships in Christ are more permanent, and more precious, than relationships in families” (p. 113)
      • 3) “marriage is temporary and finally gives way to the relationship to which it was pointing all along: Christ and the church—the way a picture is no longer needed when you see face-to-face” (p. 114)
      • 4) “faithfulness to Christ defines the value of life; all other relationships get their final significance from this. No family relationship is ultimate; relationship to Christ is.” (p. 114)
    • “Marriage has its unique potential for magnifying Christ that singleness does not have. Singleness has its unique potential for magnifying Christ that marriage does not have. To God be glory in the Christ-exalting drama of marriage and in the Christ-exalting drama of the single life.” (p. 114)

• Chapter 10: Singleness, Marriage, and the Christian Virtue of Hospitality
  • Scripture – 1 Peter 4:7-11
  • Questions
    • Why does a chapter on singleness talk about sex?
    • How many single friends (or neighbors, co-workers, relatives) do you & your spouse have?
    • What do you think of when you think of stewardship? Do you ever think of stewarding God's grace?
  • Notes & Quotes
    • Dietrich Bonhoeffer – “The physical presence of other Christians is a source of incomparable joy and strength to the believer. . . . The prisoner, the sick person, the Christian in exile sees in the companionship of a fellow Christian a physical sign of the gracious presence of the triune God. Visitor and visited in loneliness recognize in each other the Christ who is present in the body; they receive and meet each other as one meets the Lord, in reverence, humility, and joy. . . . It is true, of course that what is an unspeakable gift of God for the lonely individual is easily disregarded and trodden under foot by those who have the gift every day.” (quoted on p. 116)
    • Christ is magnified by married and single people serving each other
    • Why didn't God just create us as angels to praise Him & not be able to speak to each other? Why didn't He create us to only have a relationship with Him and no one else? Why did He create the physical world?
    • “God made bodies and material things because when they are rightly seen and rightly used, God’s glory is more fully known and displayed. The heavens are telling the glory of God (Ps. 19:1). That’s why the physical universe exists.” (p. 119)
      • Consider also: Matthew 6:26-28; Romans 1:20; Ephesians 5:23-25; 1 Corinthians 10:31; 1 Corinthians 11:26
    • “The material world is not an end in itself; it is designed to display God’s glory and to awaken our hearts to know him and value him more.” (p. 119)
    • Good gifts from God are not to be idolized, but to be used for our good & joy in ways that worship Christ and make much of Him – sex, food, all of creation is good, but it is not God, it is not to be worshiped above the Creator
    • 1 Timothy 4:1-5
    • We don't solve the idolatry of sex & food by mere avoidance
      • Am I crazy to suggest that as if we ignore & avoid food, we will die, that so in our marriages if we ignore & avoid sex, our marriages will suffer?
    • “We make sex holy by using it according to the word of God in Christ-dependent prayer.” (p. 120)
    • Like everything else God created, marriage & singleness are both designed, not to be worshiped, but to display the glory of Christ
    • “Marriage and celibacy can be idolatrous. Spouses can worship each other or worship sex or worship their children or worship double-income-no-kid buying power. Singles can worship autonomy and independence. Singles can look on marriage as a second-class Christian compromise with the sexual drive. Married people can look upon singleness as a mark of immaturity or irresponsibility or incompetence.” (p. 120)
    • There are Christ-exalting ways to be married & single.
    • 1 Corinthians 7:9 – when a man marries, “he takes his sexual desire, and he does the same thing with it that we must all do with all our physical desires if we would make them means of worship:” (p. 121)
      • 1) “he brings it into conformity to God’s word” (p. 121)
      • 2) “he subordinates it to a higher pattern of love and care” (p. 121)
      • 3) “he transposes the music of physical pleasure into the music of spiritual worship” (p. 121)
      • 4) “he listens for the echoes of God’s goodness in every nerve” (p. 121)
      • 5) “he seeks to double his pleasure by making her joy his joy” (p. 121)
      • 6) “he gives thanks to God from the bottom of his heart because he knows and he feels that he never deserved one minute of this pleasure.” (p. 121)
    • 1 Peter 4:7-11
      • Verse 7 – We are in the last days and Christ could return at any time.
        • So seek Him in the Word, in prayer, in His body – the church, so that when He comes He will not be a stranger
        • Seek His grace & mercy & strength to endure these last days
      • Verse 8 – There is tremendous stress in the last days
        • Will this stress ruin our relationships or will we remain firm in love, exhibited in forbearance and forgiveness?
      • Verse 9 – “Love covers much of what makes us grumble. So hospitality without grumbling is the calling of Christians in the last days. In the very days when your stress is high, and there are sins that need covering, and reasons to grumble abound—in those very days, Peter says, what we need to do is practice hospitality.” (p. 122)
        • Because God has opened His heart to us, we can have open hearts and open our doors to others in hospitality
        • 1 John 3:16-17
      • Verse 10 – “... serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace.”
        • We usually think of stewardship in terms of money; and maybe secondarily in terms of time.
        • But we are called to be stewards of God's grace – indeed, all we have, our money, possessions, time, abilities, etc., are all gifts of God
        • This flows naturally from the concept Piper introduced in chapter 3 – of receiving God's grace (vertically) and bending it out towards others (horizontally)
        • “Every Christian is a steward—a custodian, a manager, a warden, a distributor, a servant—of God’s varied grace.” (p. 122-123)
        • Hospitality is an example of stewardship of time & possessions
        • 2 Corinthians 9:8
        • “If you are afraid of hospitality—that you don’t have much personal strength or personal wealth—good. Then you won’t intimidate anybody. You will depend all the more on God’s grace. You will look all the more to the work of Christ and not your own work. And what a blessing people will get in your simple home or your little apartment.” (p. 123)
    • Piper's definition: “the Christian virtue of hospitality—a Christ-exalting strategy of love in the last days.” (p. 123)
    • Applications
      • 1) For everyone – “If you belong to Christ, if you have by faith received his saving hospitality, which he paid for with his own blood, then extend this hospitality to others. Romans 15:7: “Welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God.” You live on free grace every day. Be a good steward of it in hospitality.” (p 123)
      • 2) For married couples – include single people in your hospitality, of all ages & types – never married, divorced, widowed, young & old, friends, family, co-workers, brothers & sisters in Christ
        • When including younger people in particular, this can be a great opportunity for discipleship – to show them to some measure what a Christian marriage/family looks like
      • 3) For single people – include married couples & families in your hospitality
    • Life Groups in general are set up to bring people together around a similar life stage, which is good. But that shouldn't prevent us from developing relationships outside of our life stage. Particularly within the church. What unites us is the most important thing in all of human history or existence – the gospel of Jesus Christ. Let our hospitality display God's grace in our lives, and point to the ultimate family reality that comes through adoption into God's family.

Links

I wanted to share some blog posts that I've read in the past week, but haven't really had the time to say much about them.  So here are some links with a brief quote from the post (along with a video):

When Hospitality and Hell-Fire Kiss

"Sarah and Lindsay both work in midtown Manhattan. Sarah is a Christian; Lindsay isn't. After several attempts to share Christ with Lindsay, Sarah simply invites Lindsay over to dinner, where she has many folks from her local church coming over for a meal and fellowship. Lindsay meets a handful of singles and a few married couples with kids. 

"She spends the evening eating and talking about life, which naturally leads to faith, since that's what everyone else shares in common. She witnesses thankfulness and hears about the providence of God in their lives. She sees how Christians interact with their friends, spouses, and kids. One single girl invites her to coffee, and another family invites her over for dinner, where a few other church members join her."

What Does Eating, Sleeping, and Exercise Have To Do with Sanctification? (HT: Vitamin Z)

(email/RSS subscribers may need to click through to view video)

How to Witness to Mormons

"There are basically two ways Christians witness to Mormons. One is to demolish Mormonism in an apologetic way, the other is to expose Mormonism in a theological way. The former deals with Mormon history, false prophecies, archaeology, DNA, etc. The latter deals with sin, repentance, atonement, the gospel, etc. 

"Most people take the first approach, but we, the Oasis ministry in Utah, take the second. The first may make many ex-Mormons, but it doesn't necessarily make believers. Actually, it can be counter-productive."

Join or Die?: Addressing the Question of Church Membership

"Church membership is a gift and a duty. It’s sort of like making your children eat their desert. Christ saves and sanctifies sinners in the church. Where else would we want to be?"

What Letter Would You Write to a Gay Son?

"I will not bring up your sin and the Gospel every time we meet, but I do want you to know where I stand right up front, and also that I’m willing to speak with you about the Gospel of Christ anytime you wish. 

"I hope you will not call this message hate. This is how love sounds."

This Momentary Marriage - Week 5

Some notes from chapter 8 of John Piper's This Momentary Marriage:

• Chapter 8: The Beautiful Faith of Fearless Submission
  • Scripture – 1 Peter 3:1-6; Colossians 3:18-19
  • Questions
    • Wives, if your husband loved, served, and led you with Christlike wisdom, humility, and grace, would you be able to submit to him?
    • How does 1 Peter 3:1-6 compare to Ephesians 5:22-24?
    • Are Christian women called to submit to all men like they are to their husband? Are they only called to submit to their husband if he is also a Christian?
    • What characteristics of Christian womanhood does Peter point out?
  • Notes & Quotes
    • Piper says, “I am very eager that men and women, single and married, old and young, hear this as a call to something strong and noble and beautiful and dignified and worthy of a woman’s highest spiritual and moral efforts.” (p. 95)
      • What do you think? Did he succeed?
    • Women are not called to submit to all men in the same way as they are to their husbands
    • Peter couches his call for a wife's submission to her husband in a larger context of Christian submission in various contexts.
      • 1 Peter 2:13-17 – Christian citizens are called to submit to human institutions – government, IRS, police, etc.
      • 1 Peter 2:18-25 – Christian servants are called to submit to their masters – similar to employees & bosses today
        • “not only to the good and gentle, but also to the unjust”
        • Based on the suffering, submissive example of Christ – v. 21-24
      • 1 Peter 3:1-6 – Christian wives are called to submit to their husbands – whether they are believers or unbelievers
      • 1 Peter 3:7 – Christian husbands called to live with their wives in an understanding manner, cherishing them as fellow heirs of the grace of life
      • 1 Peter 3:8-12 – Christians are called to unity & humility – to submit to and sere each other
      • “So, as we saw in Ephesians 5, submission is a wider Christian virtue for all of us to pursue, and it has its unique and fitting expressions in various relationships.” (p. 96)
    • Peter's portrait of womanhood shows us the deep strong roots of womanhood that yield the strong, beautiful fruit of submission.
      • 1 Peter 3:5 – “holy women who hoped in God” – Christian wives do not put their hope in their husbands, or in their looks or intelligence or creativity, but they put their hope in God and His promises
        • “She looks away from the troubles and miseries and obstacles of life that seem to make the future bleak, and she focuses her attention on the sovereign power and love of God who rules in heaven and does on earth whatever he pleases (Ps. 115:3). She knows her Bible, and she knows her theology of the sovereignty of God, and she knows his promise that he will be with her and will help her and strengthen her no matter what. This is the deep, unshakable root of Christian womanhood.” (p. 97)
      • 1 Peter 3:6 – That hope in God produces fearlessness
        • “The presence of hope in the invincible sovereignty of God drives out fear. Or to say it more carefully and realistically, the daughters of Sarah fight the anxiety that rises in their hearts. They wage war on fear, and they defeat it with hope in the promises of God.” (p. 97)
        • 2 Timothy 3:12; 1 Peter 3:14; 4:19
      • 1 Peter 3:3-5 – This hope in God the produces fearlessness ultimately gives her inner tranquility (“the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit”)
        • She focuses on the internal adornment of character rather than the external adornment of appearance
        • “Don’t focus your main attention and effort on how you look on the outside; focus it on the beauty that is inside. Exert more effort and be more concerned with inner beauty than outer beauty.” (p. 98)
      • And finally, this hope in God that produces a fearlessness in the face of whatever the future may bring and leads to an inner tranquility and meekness expresses itself in submissiveness to her husband
        • 1 Peter 3:1 - “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands.”
        • 1 Peter 3:5 - “This is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands.”
      • A summary look back at the portrait of Christian womanhood Peter has painted:
        • “Unshakable hope in God.
        • Courage and fearlessness in the face of the future.
        • Quiet tranquillity of soul.
        • Humble submission to her husband’s leadership.” (p. 99)
    • These distinct, complementary roles between husbands and wives are not cultural leftovers from an unenlightened society. As we've seen with marriage as a whole, so also the distinctive gender roles within marriage were part of God's creation design in Genesis 2. Adam was first created and given unique authority, responsibility, and stewardship, and Eve was created to be a helper fit or suitable for him.
    • Our culture – sometimes even in the Church – denies, distorts, and misuses the different and complementary roles of husbands and wives.
    • “But the truth of headship and submission is really here and really beautiful. When you see it lived out with the mark of Christ’s majesty on it—the mutuality of servanthood without canceling the reality of headship and submission—it is a wonderful and deeply satisfying drama.” (p. 99)
    • Six things submission is not:
      • 1) It's not agreeing with everything your husband says
        • In 1 Peter 3:1 Peter accounts for Christian wives with unbelieving husbands – they inevitably have different ideas of reality, or worldviews
        • Clearly the wife is not called to discard the Christian worldview
      • 2) It's not leaving your brain or will at the marriage altar
        • Apparently both the husband and wife heard the gospel, but responded in different ways – the woman thought for herself and trusted Christ
        • Again, clearly the wife is not called to retreat from her commitment to Christ
      • 3) It's not avoiding every effort to change your husband
        • Submission is sometimes actually a strategy for changing him
      • 4) It's not putting the husband's will above Christ's
        • “Submission to Jesus relativizes submission to husbands—and governments and employers and parents.” (p. 100)
      • 5) It doesn't mean the wife gets spiritual strength primarily from her husband
        • A good, believing husband should be a source of this strength
        • Even without the husband's spiritual leadership, the wife may be strengthened in faith & virtue & character – this is not from her husband, but for her husband – that he, too, may come to faith
      • 6) It's not acting out of fear
        • Submission is free, not coerced
    • What submission is
      • Piper's definition, repeated from chapter 6
        • “submission is the divine calling of a wife to honor and affirm her husband’s leadership and help carry it through according to her gifts.” (p. 101)
      • The attitude of submission says, “I delight for you to take the initiative in our family. I am glad when you take responsibility for things and lead with love. I don’t flourish in the relationship when you are passive and I have to make sure the family works.” (p. 101)
      • What does submission mean when a husband is leading his wife into sin?
        • It says, “It grieves me when you venture into sinful acts and want to take me with you. You know I can’t do that. I have no desire to resist you. On the contrary, I flourish most when I can respond joyfully to your lead; but I can’t follow you into sin, as much as I love to honor your leadership in our marriage. Christ is my King.” (p. 102)
      • A wife can & should “submissively” & humbly share their concerns about their husband's leadership
      • How/why can disagreement and sharing concerns over a husband's leadership be an act of submission?
        • 1) Husbands are fallible (unlike Christ) and ought to admit it
        • 2) Husbands should want their wives to be excited & willingly follow their leadership, not begrudgingly (as the Church should follow Christ)
        • 3) It can be done in a way that endorses leadership & affirms headship
        • 4) Even after questioning & discussion, if there's still disagreement, the wife can still defer to the husband's decision
    • “So I end this chapter with the reminder that marriage is not mainly about staying in love. It’s about covenant-keeping. And the main reason it is about covenant-keeping is that God designed the relationship between a husband and his wife to represent the relationship between Christ and the church. This is the deepest meaning of marriage. And that is why ultimately the roles of headship and submission are so important. If our marriages are going to tell the truth about Christ and his church, we cannot be indifferent to the meaning of headship and submission. And let it not go unsaid that God’s purpose for the church—and for the Christian wife who represents it—is her everlasting, holy joy. Christ died for her to bring that about.” (p. 102-103)

This Momentary Marriage - Week 4

Notes from this week's study of chapters 6 & 7 on Headship in This Momentary Marriage:

• Chapter 6: Lionhearted and Lamblike—The Christian Husband as Head: Foundations of Headship
  • Scripture – Ephesians 5:21-33
  • Questions
    • What does the Bible mean when it says that the husband is the head of the wife?
    • How does marriage being a picture of Christ and the Church speak to the roles of a husband and wife?
  • Notes & Quotes
    • Dietrich Bonhoeffer: “The dignity that is here ascribed to the man lies, not in any capacities or qualities of his work but in the office conferred on him by his marriage. The wife should see her husband clothed in this dignity. But for him it is supreme responsibility.” (quoted on p. 72)
    • Similar to respecting the office of the President; you don't have to respect the person in order to respect the position, authority, and leadership of the office
    • Christ is both Lion and Lamb (Revelation 5:5-6), “strong and meek, tough and tender, aggressive and responsive, bold and brokenhearted. He sets the pattern for manhood.” (p. 73-74)
    • What does it mean for a married man to be the head of his wife and his home?
      • We need to know this for two reasons:
        • 1) “We need to know what the Bible means by this statement so that we can exult in it and obey.” (p. 74)
        • 2) To recover Biblical manhood and restore Christ-exalting family structure – to restore/repair/prevent broken families & a world marred by them
    • Review: “staying married is not mainly about staying in love, but about keeping covenant.” (p. 74)
    • “Keeping first things first makes second things better.” (p. 74) – staying in love is the overflow of covenant-keeping in marriage
    • Headship and submission are built on the foundation of the gospel of grace
    • Why is the one-flesh union spoken of in Genesis 2:24 a mystery?
      • Mystery – not that it can't be understood, but it's a hidden purpose of God that is now revealed to us
      • The meaning of marriage has been hinted at, but now the shadows have been illuminated to see that it refers to Christ and the Church
      • “The marriage union is a mystery, he says, because its deepest meaning has been concealed by God during the Old Testament history but is now being openly revealed by the apostle, namely, that marriage is an image of Christ and the church.” (p. 75)
    • As Christ and the Church are one body, the husband and wife are one flesh
    • What the husband does for the wife, he ultimately does for himself – what's good for her is good for him
    • “When the husband cherishes and nourishes his wife, he cherishes and nourishes himself; and when Christ cherishes and nourishes the church, he cherishes and nourishes himself.” (p. 76)
    • Geoffrey Bromiley: “As God made man in His own image, so He made earthly marriage in the image of His own eternal marriage with His people.” (quoted on p. 76)
    • One part of the mystery is that husband and wife have distinct roles
    • Matthew Henry on Genesis 2:22-24: “the woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved.” (Genesis to Deuteronomy, Matthew Henry's Commentary Vol. 1 (Peabody: Hendrickson Publishers, 2006), 16)
    • What is an egalitarian? One who believes in complete equality between men & women – no distinction of roles, reject the idea of male leadership in the home
    • Ephesians 5:21 – all of us as believers in Christ are called to humble ourselves and submit to each other, serving one another in love – this includes husbands and wives, who are to humble themselves and submit in service to each other
    • What distinguishes the role of husbands and wives?
      • Ephesians 5:22-33 distinguishes the different ways in which husbands and wives are to serve each other
      • “You don’t need to deny mutual submission to affirm the importance of the unique role of the husband as head and the unique calling of the wife to submit to that headship.” (p. 78)
    • John 13:1-20 – Jesus washes his disciples' feet. Are we to think that the disciples were uncertain as to the leadership of Christ?
    • “Servanthood does not nullify leadership; it defines it.” (p. 78)
    • “What are the positive, practical implications of being called head that give man his distinct role in marriage?”
      “It is not enough to say, “Serve one another.” That is true of Christ and his church—they serve each other. But they do not serve each other in all the same ways. Christ is Christ. We are the church. To confuse the distinctions would be doctrinally and spiritually devastating. So also the man is the Christ-portraying husband, and the woman is the church-portraying wife. And to confuse these God-intended distinctions, or to abandon them, results in more disillusionment and more divorce and more devastation.” (p. 79)
    • To deny Biblical headship of the husband is to deny Christ's headship of the Church.
    • How does sin affect headship and submission? Is headship and submission a result of sin – of the Fall in Genesis 3?
      • Headship & submission were part of creation – the man is created first and given the moral pattern – the command to not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good & evil; the man is interrogated first even though Eve was the first to eat of the fruit; even the fact that Satan came to tempt Eve instead of Adam – he's trying to overthrow the order that God had created
      • Sin twists the roles of headship & submission, particularly in a couple of ways for both husband and wife
        • Husband/headship – sin destroyed humble, loving, sacrificial headship
          • 1) headship exercised harshly, in a domineering, abusive dictatorial kind of way
          • 2) headship is essentially abdicated, the husband withdraws. As Piper put it in his sermon: “lazy indifference with a can of beer and a bag of chips 'til 10 o'clock and then he asks for sex” (http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/sermons/lionhearted-and-lamblike-the-christian-husband-as-head-part-1#/listen/full)
        • Wife/submission – sin destroyed willing, happy, creative, articulate submission
          • 1) manipulative groveling, caricature of helplessness – obsequiousness – willingness to mindlessly do anything you're told; slavish compliance
          • 2) brazen, rebellious, insubordinate, stark, uppity feminism - “nobody's opening the door for me!”
    • “Sin didn’t create headship and submission; it ruined them and distorted them and made them ugly and destructive.” (p. 79, emphasis added)
      • This is what sin does with everything – it takes good things and ruins & distorts them
    • “Wives, let your fallen submission be redeemed by modeling it after God’s intention for the church! Husbands, let your fallen headship be redeemed by modeling it after God’s intention for Christ!” (p. 80)
    • Headship is not a right to control your wife – Christ's sacrifice is our pattern; rather it's a responsibility to lead, protect, provide for, love & serve our wife as Christ loved & served us – giving His life for us
    • Submission is not being a doormat, or slavery or cowering in fear – it's a willing submission to the leadership of one who leads in loving, sacrificial service
    • “Headship is the divine calling of a husband to take primary responsibility for Christlike, servant leadership, protection, and provision in the home.” (p. 80)
    • “Submission is the divine calling of a wife to honor and affirm her husband’s leadership and help carry it through according to her gifts.” (p. 80)

• Chapter 7: Lionhearted and Lamblike—The Christian Husband as Head: What Does It Mean to Lead?
  • Scripture – Ephesians 5:21-33
  • Questions
    • What are some ways a husband protects or provides for his wife/family?
    • What are some dangers for a husband exercising headship?
  • Notes & Quotes
    • Dietrich Bonhoeffer: “it is a divine ordinance when the wife honors the husband for his office’s sake, and when the husband properly performs the duties of his office..” (quoted on p. 82)
    • The responsibility of leadership for the husband is great, but it's the role God has created for him – should we doubt that God will show the husband the grace to lead? So while the bad news is that we are unworthy of this role, and inadequate to fill it in and of ourselves, the good news is that God – through the work of Christ, His Word, and the power of the Spirit – gives us what we need to serve in our God-given role
    • The husband takes his cue for leadership from Christ
    • The husband bears the unique responsibility for leadership in the marriage
    • “Headship is the divine calling of a husband to take primary responsibility for Christlike, servant leadership, protection, and provision in the home.” (p. 84)
    • The husband's leadership is expressed through protection & provision
    • Four arguments for why the word “head” in Ephesians 5:23 means leadership
      • 1) “Head” is used for leaders in the Old Testament
        • Judges 10:18; 11:8-9, 11; 2 Samuel 22:44; Psalm 18:43; Isaiah 7:8
      • 2) Christ is head over the Church – He leads by His rule & authority
        • Ephesians 1:21-23
      • 3) Christ took the initiative (not the Church) in providing for the Church's salvation and sanctification by suffering and dying for her
        • Ephesians 5:25
        • “This is leadership of the most exalted kind. But it is servant leadership. Christ is taking the lead to save his bride, and he is doing it by suffering and dying for her.” (p. 85)
        • Christ's leadership set an example of suffering for love's sake (Matthew 16:24)
        • “leadership is not mainly a right and privilege, but a burden and a responsibility.” (p. 85, emphasis added)
      • 4) the concept of submission implies that headship is leadership
        • Ephesians 5:22-23
        • “When the ground of the wife’s submission is expressed as the headship of the husband, it is clear that headship involves the kind of leadership that a woman can affirm and honor.” (p. 85)
    • Leadership as Protection
      • Ephesians 5:25-27; see also 1 Peter 2:24; Galatians 3:13; Romans 5:8, 10
      • Husband should protect his wife at all costs, including his own comfort & desires, and especially his own life
    • Leadership as Provision
      • Ephesians 5:28-29 – the husband is to nourish & cherish his wife
      • Nourish – as a caring provider – Genesis 45:11 – provide – husband sees to it that his wife's (& children's) needs are met
      • Cherish – taking care of his wife, even as his own body (the “one flesh” idea we've talked about before) – 1 Thessalonians 2:7 – tender care, as of a mother
    • “Without protection and provision, life itself is threatened. … if a husband fails in his leadership here, there may not be any other place to exercise it.” (p. 87)
    • Protection & provision both have physical & spiritual meanings - “virtually everything a husband is called upon to do in his leadership is summed up in one of these four ways:” (p. 88)
      • 1) physical provision – food & shelter
      • 2) spiritual provision – the Word of God, spiritual guidance, instruction, encouragement
      • 3) physical protection – from natural disasters, disease, intruders
      • 4) spiritual protection – prayer, warnings, keeping bad influences out of the home
    • Encouragement to men: while this may sound overwhelming, “Christ does not call you to do what he won’t empower you to do.” (p. 88)
      • What God demands, He supplies.
      • “Leadership is hard. But you’re a man. If your father never taught you how to lead, your heavenly Father will.” (p. 88)
    • Caution to women: do not demand leadership from your husband, for the following reasons (and maybe more):
      • 1) If you're the demander, he's not the leader
        • Think of the man to whom Jesus told the parable of the rich fool, who told Jesus to tell his brother to split his inheritance (the man appealed to Jesus' authority, but was acting in a way that showed he thought he had authority over Jesus)
      • 2) Demanding is counterproductive – it crushes your husband's will to lead
      • 3) True Christlike servant leadership comes from the Spirit & Word of God working inside the husband
    • Women, instead of demanding:
      • 1) Pray for him – that God would work to bring out his manhood, his servant leadership
      • 2) Diplomatically ask to speak about your desires – when neither of you are tired or angry; express appreciation & honor for ways he does lead
    • Examples & Explanations:
    • 1) Leadership in Spiritual Provision
      • Immerse yourself in the Word – it's hard to lead with something you don't have
      • Family devotions/prayer/worship/Bible time of some sort
      • What do you do to lead your family spiritually?
      • Seek your wife's supporting & helping input & gifts – “headship takes primary responsibility, not sole responsibility.” (p. 89)
      • “Leadership does not assume it is superior. It assumes it should take initiative.” (p. 89)
      • Take the family to church regularly
      • Deuteronomy 6:4-9 – speak of spiritual & moral & biblical issues often
      • Lead by example – 1 Cor 4:15-17; 11:1; Phil 3:17; 4:9; 2 Thessalonians 3:7-9; 2 Tim 3:10-11; 4:12; Titus 2:7-8
    • 2) Leadership in Physical Provision
      • Husband bears primary (again, not sole) responsibility to provide
      • “In all of history this has been the case—both the man and the woman work. But their normal spheres of work are man: breadwinner; wife: domestic manager, designer, nurturer.” (p. 90)
      • “a man compromises his own soul and sends the wrong message to his wife and children when he does not position himself as the one who lays down his life to put bread on the table.” (p. 90)
    • 3) Leadership in Spiritual Protection
      • We need warriors – not with swords or spears or guns, but with biblical discernment and courage
      • Pray for your family – that they would not be led into temptation, but be delivered from evil – pray the prayers of scripture for them
      • Set standards for your family – work with your wife to set them
      • What kind of standards/limits will you & your family have for TV, movies, music, clothing
      • Again, we bear primary responsibility, not sole responsibility; God has given us wives to help us – do not frustrate them with a lack of leadership initiative, but seek their help
      • “Dad has a crucial role in defining the modesty of his daughter’s clothing. Yes, mom is the key player here in helping a young woman learn the meaning of modesty and beauty. But dad’s role is indispensable both in celebrating what they look like and telling them when the way they dress means what they don’t think it means. Dads know exactly what I mean. What you need here is courage. Don’t be afraid here. This is your daughter, and she must hear from you what she is saying to men with her clothes.” (p. 90-91)
      • “What kind of bathing suit do you put on your little two-year-old? Is it a cute little bikini? Or do you begin from the very start to teach this little girl that there is an appropriate way to dress? Are you preparing her so that by the time she is seven, eleven, or fifteen her whole mindset is, I dress appropriately, modestly, and not to entice or flaunt?” - from http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/ask-pastor-john/is-modesty-an-issue-in-the-church-today (from Nov. 19, 2007)
      • Ephesians 4:26-27
      • “Leadership means we must take the lead in reconciliation.” (p. 91)
      • Christ took the initiative to make all things new; to come back to Peter after his denials; to forgive us again & again
      • “woe to you if you think that since it’s her fault, she’s obliged to say the first reconciling word. Headship is not easy. It is the hardest, most humbling work in the world. Protect your family. Strive, as much as it lies within you, to make peace before the sun goes down.” (p. 91)
    • 4) Leadership in Physical Protection
      • “This is too obvious to need illustration—I wish. If there is a sound downstairs during the night and it might be a burglar, you don’t say to her, “This is an egalitarian marriage, so it’s your turn to go check it out. I went last time.” And I mean that—even if your wife has a black belt in karate. After you’ve tried to deter him, she may finish off the burglar with one good kick to the solar plexus. But you’d better be unconscious on the floor, or you’re no man. That’s written on your soul, brother, by God Almighty. Big or little, strong or weak, night or day, you go up against the enemy first. Woe to the husbands—and woe to the nation— that send their women to fight their battles.” (p. 91-92)
    • “When a man joyfully bears the primary God-given responsibility for Christlike, servant leadership and provision and protection in the home—for the spiritual well-being of the family, for the discipline and education of the children, for the stewardship of money, for the holding of a steady job, for the healing of discord—I have never met a wife who is sorry she married such a man. Because when God designs a thing (like marriage), he designs it for his glory and our good.” (p. 92)
    • Wives, if your husband loved, served, and led you with Christlike wisdom, humility, and grace, would you be able to submit to him? Then you can submit to your husband for at least two reasons:
      • 1) Submitting to your husband is an extension of and fruit of your submission to Christ
      • 2) If your husband is in Christ, he is justified by faith, and is being sanctified – he is being conformed to that very image of Christlikeness, and your submission to his failed attempts at leading you are ways in which God is sanctifying both of you
    • Wives, pray for your husband. Encourage him. This is a great responsibility we bear, and we cannot bear it without your help. You are God's gift to us to help us, to help us grow and help us lead. When we know you're standing with us, we are more likely to lead well.

Why Read the Bible?

D.A. Carson answers the question, "What's our goal for reading Scripture?"

(email subscribers may need to click through to view the video)

Last December I wrote this post about Bible reading, which includes various Bible reading plans.

(HT: Desiring God)

Short & Sweet

In this video Jared Wilson shares the main difference between Christianity and other religions, and how that relates to our sanctification:

(email subscribers may need to click through to view the video)

For more from Wilson on the Gospel and sanctification, read this article, or check out his book, Gospel Wakefulness.

(HT: Desiring God)

Marriage in Gospel Focus

Today I listened to the following message that Tim & Kathy Keller presented at The Gospel Coalition's Women's Conference last month.  I found it to be quite good (especially the last 24 minutes with Kathy), and a good complement to chapters 6-8 of This Momentary Marriage that we'll be discussing the next two Sundays.  If you've got the time, you can watch the message below, or click on the link to go find the audio of the message.

Marriage in Gospel Focus: http://thegospelcoalition.org/resources/a/marriage_in_gospel_focus

This Momentary Marriage - Week 3

Some notes from this week's study of This Momentary Marriage, chapters 4 & 5:

• Chapter 4: Forgiving and Forbearing
  • Scripture – Colossians 3:12-19
  • Questions
    • How important is forgiveness in a marriage? How can a lack of forgiveness affect a marriage?
    • What is the foundation of marriage and all of life?
    • How does Paul describe Christians in Colossians 3:12?
    • How can reflecting on the gospel affect you and your marriage?
    • How do you handle issues in your marriage – conflict, idiosyncrasies, annoying habits, sins, flaws, etc.?
  • Notes & Quotes
    • Review: Marriage is a pointer to Christ and the church that will vanish into the perfection of that glory
    • Review: Marriage is based on grace – receiving grace from Christ through his death on the cross, and bending that grace out to our spouse
    • Review: 3 reasons to emphasize forgiving & forbearing from chapter 3
      • 1) “because there is going to be conflict based on sin and strangeness (and you won’t be able even to agree with each other about what is simply strange about each other and what is sin)” (p. 48)
      • 2) “because the hard, rugged work of enduring and forgiving is what makes it possible for affections to flourish when they seem to have died” (p. 48)
      • 3) “because God gets glory when two very different and very imperfect people forge a life of faithfulness in the furnace of affliction by relying on Christ.” (p. 48)
    • There are things/sins that could/should lead to a redemptive separation, but we'll discuss day to day forgiveness and forbearance with a view to preventing such a separation
    • Foundation of marriage and all of life: the person & work of Christ on the cross
    • 3 descriptions of believers from Colossians 3:12:
      • 1) Chosen – we are God's elect, invincibly loved
        • “If you resist the truth of election, you resist being loved in the fullness and the sweetness of God’s love.” (p. 54)
      • 2) Holy – set apart for God – he chose us to become holy, not common or unclean
        • “This is first a position and a destiny before it is a pattern of behavior. That is why he is telling us the kind of behavior to “put on.” He knows we are not there yet, practically. He is calling us to become holy in life because we are holy in Christ. Dress to fit who you are. Wear holiness.” (p. 54)
      • 3) Loved – God is for us and not against us
        • Romans 5:8
      • “This is the beginning of how husbands and wives forbear and forgive. They are blown away by being chosen, set apart, and loved by God. Husbands, devote yourselves to seeing and savoring this. Wives, do the same. Get your life from this. Get your joy from this. Get your hope from this—that you are chosen, set apart, and loved by God. Plead with the Lord that this would be the heartbeat of your life and your marriage.” (p. 55)
    • After these descriptions, Paul tells us what kind of attitude and behavior fits with and flows from this identity as God's chosen, holy, and loved people
    • 3 inward conditions that lead to 3 outward demeanors:
      • 1) From bowels of mercy (compassionate hearts) to kindness
        • “Be merciful in your inmost being, and then out of that good ground grows the fruit of kindness.” (p. 55)
        • “So husbands, sink your roots by faith into Christ through the gospel until you become a more merciful person. Wives, sink your roots by faith into Christ through the gospel until you become a more merciful person. And then treat each other out of this tender mercy with kindness. The battle is with our own unmerciful inner person. Fight that battle by faith, through the gospel, in prayer. Be stunned and broken and built up and made glad and merciful because you are chosen, holy, loved.” (p. 56)
      • 2) From humility/lowliness to meekness
        • “People whose hearts are lowly, instead of proud, will act more meekly toward others. The meek count others above themselves and serve them. That happens when the heart is lowly, or humble.” (p. 56)
        • “So, husbands, sink your roots by faith into Christ through the gospel until you become more lowly and humble. Wives, sink your roots by faith into Christ through the gospel until you become more lowly and humble. The gospel of Christ’s painful death on our behalf has a way of breaking our pride and our sense of rightful demands and our frustration at not getting our way. It works lowliness into our souls. Then we treat each other with meekness flowing out of that lowliness. The battle is with our own proud, self-centered inner person. Fight that battle by faith, through the gospel, in prayer. Be stunned and broken and built up and made glad and humble because you are chosen, holy, loved.” (p. 56)
      • 3) From long-suffering (patience) to forbearance and forgiveness
        • Forbearance and forgiveness cannot exist biblically without each other
        • “become the kind of person who does not have a short fuse but a long one” (p. 57)
        • “These three inner conditions I have mentioned connect with each other and affect each other. “Bowels of mercy” and “lowliness” lead to being “long-suffering.” If you are quick to anger, instead of being long-suffering, the root is probably lack of mercy and lack of lowliness. In other words, being chosen, holy, and loved has not broken your heart and brought you down from self- centeredness and pride.” (p. 57)
        • “So, husbands, sink your roots by faith into Christ through the gospel until your heart is formed by these inner conditions of compassion and lowliness and patience. Fight for inner change—making you more merciful and more lowly and, in that way, more long-suffering. In the same way, wives, sink your roots by faith into Christ through the gospel until you become more merciful and more lowly and more long-suffering.” (p. 57)
    • Forbear – bear with – endure – become long-suffering people who endure each other
    • Forgive – freely & graciously give – do not exact payment – treat people better than they deserve
      • “So in this sense, you forgive when someone has wronged you, and therefore they are in debt to you, and sheer justice says you have the right to exact some suffering from them in payment for the suffering they caused you. You not only don’t demand the payment, but you “freely give” good for evil.” (p. 58)
    • “Forgiveness says: I will not treat you badly because of your sins against me or your annoying habits.” (p. 58)
    • “forbearance acknowledges (usually to itself): Those sins against me and those annoying habits really bother me or hurt me! If there were nothing in the other person that really bothered us or hurt us, there would be no need for saying “endure one another.”” (p. 58)
    • “When you marry a person, you don’t know what they are going to be like in thirty years.” (p. 58)
    • Compost pile – don't let issues cloud your view of your spouse; give them the benefit of the doubt, show them grace, and address the issues at appropriate, agreed on times
    • Do not pitch your tent by the compost pile
    • “we are forty years into this glorious and maddening thing called marriage, and we are not naive. These two redeemed sinners will go to our graves imperfect and annoying. We are very comforted that Paul does not say, “Endure one another for the first ten years of your marriage till you have all the problems solved and all the sins overcome, then enjoy the green pastures of the last forty years of your marriage without the need for enduring each other.” Sorry to pop any bubbles out there. Well, actually, we’re not sorry. We would rather pop the bubble of naiveté and give you a possible way to endure and enjoy.” (p. 60)

• Chapter 5: Pursuing Conformity to Christ in the Covenant
  • Scripture – Ephesians 5:21-33
  • Questions
    • How amazing is grace? How does God treat us better than we deserve?
    • Are we resigned to simply forgiving and forbearing in our marriage? Can we expect (or should we seek) change, either in ourselves or our spouse?
    • Who's the bigger problem in your marriage, you or your spouse? (consider Psalm 51; 1 Timothy 1:15)
    • How does change happen in a marriage? Does it grow from conflict and argument and nagging? Or does it grow from gracious forgiving & forbearing?
    • Husbands, how do we love & lead our wives? When we lead her or even, if necessary, confront her, are we self-exalting or self-denying? Is there contempt or compassion?
  • Notes & Quotes
    • Marriage is a model of Christ and the church because it is based on grace
    • “Christ pursues his bride by grace, obtains her for his own by grace, sustains her by grace, and will perfect her for himself by grace. We deserve none of this. We deserve judgment. It is all by grace.” (p. 63)
    • “this grace empowers husbands and wives to keep their covenant by means of forgiveness and forbearance. That emphasis is at the heart of what grace is: treating people better than they deserve.” (p 64)
    • Grace “not only gives power to endure being sinned against, it also gives power to stop sinning.” (p. 64)
    • “God gives grace not only to forgive and to forbear, but also to change, so that less forgiving and forbearing is needed.” (p. 64)
    • “Grace makes you want to change for the glory of Christ and for the joy of your spouse. And grace is the power to do it.” (p. 64)
    • Focus on changing yourself by the grace of God; if you focus on changing your spouse, it's probably not going to happen
    • Forgiveness & forbearance provides a foundation where change can happen
    • “rugged covenant- keeping commitment based on grace gives security and hope so the call for change can be heard without feeling like a threat. Only when a wife or husband feels that the other is totally committed—even if he or she doesn’t change—can the call for change feel like grace rather than an ultimatum.” (p. 65)
    • “In Christ’s relationship to the church, he is clearly seeking the transformation of his bride into something morally and spiritually beautiful. And he is seeking it at the cost of his life.” (p. 66)
    • Although a husband is called to love like Christ, bearing a responsibility for the moral and spiritual growth of his wife, he is not called to control every facet and aspect of his wife's life
    • 3 observations on Ephesians 5:25-27:
      • 1) the husband is not Christ
        • he is like Christ
        • “The husband is finite in strength, not omnipotent like Christ. The husband is finite and fallible in wisdom, not all-wise like Christ. The husband is sinful, not perfect like Christ. Therefore, we husbands dare not assume we are infallible. We sometimes err in what we would like to see changed in our wives.” (p. 67)
      • 2) conformity to Christ, not the husband
        • a godly husband doesn't want his wife to become like him, but to become like Christ
        • “These words—sanctify, splendor, holy—imply that our desires for our wives are measured by God’s standard of holiness, not our standard of personal preferences.” (p. 67)
      • 3) dying for the wife (most important of the three observations)
        • Christ pursues his bride's transformation by dying for her
        • “This is the most radical thing that could ever be said to a husband about the way he leads his wife into conformity to Christ in the covenant of marriage.” (p. 67)
        • “If a husband is loving and wise like Christ in all these ways, his desire for his wife’s change will feel, to a humble wife, like she is being served, not humiliated. Christ clearly desires for his bride to grow in holiness. But he died to bring it about. So we husbands should govern our desire for our wife’s change by the self-denying death of Christ. May God give us the humility and the courage to measure our methods by the sufferings of Christ. (See Titus 2:14; Rev. 19:7.)” (p. 67-68)
    • As a husband's headship is not identical to Christ's, so a wife's submission is not identical to her submission to Christ
    • “Christ is supreme; the husband is not. Her allegiance is first to Christ, not first to her husband. The analogy only works if the woman submits to Christ absolutely, not to the husband absolutely. Then she will be in a position to submit to the husband without committing treason or idolatry.” (p. 68)
    • Analogy of prayer – as we ask Christ to change things (not Himself, but situations), the wife may/should ask her husband to change things (even in himself)
    • All husbands (& wives) need to change
    • Wives are also loving sisters to their husbands – brothers & sisters in Christ help point out sin and call each other to repentance in a spirit of gentleness (Galatians 6:1)
    • Wives should seek wisdom & discernment to know when to say something and when to lovingly, graciously live in forbearance and forgiveness with their husband (see 1 Peter 3:1)
    • “It isn’t only wives who seek to win their spouses by their behavior. This is the primary means by which Christ won the church. He died for her. So wives win their husbands mainly by their lives of sacrificial love, and husbands win their wives mainly by lives of sacrificial love.” (p. 70)
    • “forgiving and forbearing ... turns out to be not merely a means of enduring what will not change, but also a means of changing by means of sacrificial, loving endurance. Few things have a greater transforming impact on a husband or a wife than the long-suffering, forgiving sacrifices of love in the spouse.” (p. 70)
    • “Life is not all forgiveness and forbearance. Real change can happen. Real change ought to happen. Christ died to make it happen. And he calls us, husbands and wives, to love like that.” (p. 70)